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Comments For A Mary Sue Among Us
I had actually been thinking on what would happen to elves appearing in this age, and that they'd have to do a crash course in modern life. So glad you thought that too and put it in!
I know Dawn picked up on the tense thing, I don't write myself so I wouldn't have been any help there.
'Stay away or I'll call the police' made me giggle. NOT what they were expecting eh?
Looking forward to more.
(this is my first review, it probably sucks sorry)
Thanks for taking time to review and for the helpful comment! I'm enjoying writing this story and I'd be over the moon if someone just read it, receiving reviews is a bonus.
I liked that line too! I have a lot more "irreverent" and embarrassing scenes up for Mary Sue and the 7 Elf Lords so please bear with me.
Hi, there! I'm so pleased to see you posting here. :)
A nice first chapter. I loved the brothers (of course). They're so easy to pick on, aren't they? The twins are interesting; I'm so glad to see that you didn't take the usual Amrod and Amras Weasley route for this. And the Valar, sounding so self-important. I'm really interested to see where you take this. :)
A couple of nitpicks: The tense changes a couple of times from past tense to present tense, which was a little jarring. And dialogue--as I've learned it anyway--should be set off with a comma and not a period, as in,
Maedhros said, "Dawn is my biggest fangirl, didn't you know?"
"No," Celegorm snorted. "That's me."
That was a silly quote, but the point, I hope, stands. ;)
So, in answer to your first post here, I think it's appropriate to give you a Mary Sue's reply:
Write mre PLZ!!11one1!!1!
Noted on that and thanks very much for the feedback!
Funny you should say the "Weasley" thing--that will come up in one form or another in the coming chapters. I've decided to shorten this to 10 chapters instead of 12 and changed a lot of things on the previous outline I sent you--hopefully for the better.