New Challenge: Title Track
Tolkien's titles range from epic to lyrical to metaphorical. This month's challenge selected 125 of them as prompts for fanworks.
On the evening of Tuor and Idril's wedding day, nearly everyone was delightedly watching them dance. I doubt many people saw Prince Maeglin slip away from the celebrations, or noticed that he did not return. But it would not have come as any great surprise.
His feelings for his cousin were an open secret. Uncomfortable to speak of, but hard to ignore all the same. Maeglin's face seldom gave much away these days, but for someone with a reason to watch him as I did, it was easy to see how he tried not to look at her - and how often he failed.
However hard to believe it now seems, I felt sorry for him, on that day especially. And there was still hope for him, then; hope that his bitterness and grief would somehow ease, and not lead him so badly astray.
We had more in common than anyone realised, and it was this which made me determined to go after him - for my sake as much as his, in truth. I, too, was unsure for how much longer I could bear to watch Tuor and Idril gazing into each other's eyes, happy as I tried to be for them both.
So I approached the King, and asked leave to seek the Prince. Turgon and I were quite easy with each other now, although it had taken time - he had been wary of Tuor's message, certainly, and clearly wracked with guilt about all the mariners who had sailed west never to return (of which I was a distressing reminder). But one day I had confessed to him about my tarrying in Nan-tathren, and something had settled between us; he had smiled knowingly, and said that he hoped I found solace in the memories.
‘Of course, do go,’ he now said, without hesitation. ‘I would be grateful. This day is not as joyful for everyone as I would wish…’ He looked at me seriously, and it took effort not to squirm under his gaze, kind though it was. ‘Do whatever is needed for his comfort - and yours.’
I felt myself blush then, as I bowed and made a hasty retreat. I had not told anyone of my feelings, and had thought I never would - but very little seemed to escape his notice. I saw him glance towards Idril and Tuor, and only then did I wonder how my abandoning the wedding celebrations might appear to them. But there would be time enough to decide how to explain, and apologise.
***
I found Maeglin in the place from which his father had fallen to his death, with his sword across his lap.
Perhaps he had gone there with some idea of doing himself harm. I do not know. But when I saw him, he was simply staring into the distance, a prince in fine robes who somehow looked as young and lost as he had when he first arrived in Gondolin and his world had turned upside-down.
I approached quietly and sat down near him. As he became aware of my presence and turned to face me, his anguished expression was quickly replaced with a scowl.
‘What are you doing here?’ he demanded. ‘I wished to be alone.’
‘The King gave me leave to come and find you,’ I said.
‘But why? Go back to the feast and leave me in peace!’
‘But you are not at peace, my lord, or you would not be in this place. And this is not a day for swords. Why not come and drink wine with me?’
‘Again, why? Why would you want my company, or I yours? You brought him here, and made my life even worse than it was before…’ He broke off abruptly, clearly thinking he had said too much - and indeed, it was most unlike him to be so open about his feelings.
I looked at him as steadily as I could. ‘Because I thought we might be of help to one another,’ I answered. The time was approaching to share what I had never shared before.
‘What? Are you saying what I think you are? You also love…’
He was on his feet in an instant, sword in hand, and seemed ready to fight me. But at least he moved away from the cliff edge in the process.
‘Not her.’ And here it was. ‘Him.’
He froze, and stared at me for a long moment. And then dropped the sword.
‘Then you are a fool! But at least not a rival…’ He stopped, considering, then burst out, ‘So I love my cousin, who loves a mortal - and you love the mortal who loves her. Truly the Powers mock us!’
‘Hearts do what they will, my lord. We both know that, and there is nothing foolish about it.’
‘That mortal will bring nothing but grief! Maybe it will be easier for you, when he dies; but I will have to watch her mourn him, and there will be nothing I can do to help her…nothing she will let me do…as if I did not have enough grief of my own already…’
Tuor's death was something I had barely allowed myself to contemplate, and now was certainly not the time. I felt I was making progress in persuading Maeglin away, however - at least he was talking to me. But his bitterness was painful to observe, and there was worse to come.
‘Why does the King even allow it?’ he went on. ‘And today is only the start. Soon, no doubt, there will be a golden-haired brat, who everyone will fawn over - ugh, I hate the very thought of it!’
I could never speak so of Tuor's child, I thought sadly, or begrudge him his happiness. But Maeglin had been suffering for far longer than I had.
‘He nearly lost her on the Ice,’ I said quietly, trying to calm him. ‘Come away, my lord. I think we could both do with -’
‘Oh, stop calling me my lord, O Guide of Ulmo's Messenger,’ he snapped, and seemed to make up his mind. ‘We are just two victims of unrequited love, on the worst possible day. But have it your way, then. Drinking ourselves into oblivion may be better than lying awake alone. Or following my father…’ He retrieved his sword then, and clutched it almost desperately, as if somehow seeking comfort as well as protection.
He stared off into the distance again, and made no further move. So I carefully took his arm and turned him around. ‘Wine,’ I said, firmly; and at last he shrugged and came with me.
***
I invited him to my rooms (without the sword), and procured an ample supply of the finest wine a wedding day in Gondolin had to offer. And once our tongues were loosened, we spoke of many things.
I was surprised at how willing he was to talk, once he got started; and I wondered how long it had been since anyone had asked him how he felt about anything concerning himself, or when he had last felt able to say. He was usually so silent and stern-faced, unless making a speech in council or directing operations of some kind (not that I had often seen him with his mining companions, but I doubted that he was ever anything other than their leader).
We spoke of our childhoods, on the coast and in the forest, and of the journeys we had made - his visits to the Dwarves, and my seafaring. His father had taught him much, he said, and had been proud of him once. But eventually, we turned to the loss of my fellow-sailors, and his mother.
I began to realise that, while we were indeed united in our unrequited love and loss of those close to us, it must seem to him that I still had much to be grateful for. For my mother and father still lived, and Tuor held me in honour. When I found myself sharing how I had tried to keep Tuor warm, and indeed alive, on the way to Gondolin through that dreadful winter (in an effort to explain how I had come to feel as I did), he did not say anything; but I could tell he envied me the closeness, if not the companion.
And then, at last, he spoke of Idril. How he had been so dazzled by her and by Gondolin on first arriving, despite all his mother's tales; and the unspeakable horror of his father's appearance and subsequent events, and how Idril had been kind to him then, and thinking about her had made everything else easier to bear. But that when he realised he should not be thinking about her in such a way, it was too late; and how he felt everyone in Gondolin would be judging him and watching to see if he was like his father, and how he had tried so hard to do his best for the City and prove that he was not, while fearing all the time that he was…and never ceasing to mourn his mother…and then Tuor had come, and how he had seen him first set eyes on Idril and she on him…
The last thing he said, or rather hissed, before his face finally crumpled, was ‘Never, ever remind me of this!’ And then he wept - great, gasping, hopeless sobs that broke my heart, and made me want to weep, too - for him, but also for myself.
I rubbed his back (for all the good it did) - but he seemed to welcome it just then, and let me - and through my own tears I tried to sing my poor attempt at a song about the flowers of Nan-tathren. I begged him never to remind me of that, either, and he squeezed my arm, in a rare gesture of sympathy and understanding. At last, we both collapsed, exhausted, on to my bed, and he fell asleep with his head on my shoulder - and in the end I slept too. But when I awoke, hours later, he was gone.
***
We kept our promises, and never spoke of that night - but occasionally our eyes met, and for a while I felt we still had something to offer each other. And some time afterwards, he gave me a brooch he had made, of black, shining metal. The design was of a sword on a clifftop, surrounded by flowers.
(I now realise that 'the Eldar wedded not with kin so near' isn't actually among the Laws and Customs prompts, although I had thought/assumed it was! Hopefully this is still a valid challenge response.)