Interview with Azh, Admirable Monster by Shadow by AdmirableMonster, daughterofshadows

For Mereth Aderthad 2025, each presentation is accompanied by one or more fanworks that respond to it in some way. Azh's found fiction "Lightborn" considers the topic of abnegation and scientific progress, based on Cindy Gates' forthcoming presentation on the subject. Shadow spoke with Azh about their story, its real-life inspiration in their work, and the sympathy that Tolkien shows even for characters who commit moral failures.

Shadow: I’m sitting down with Azh today to discuss the fanwork they’re creating for Cindy Gates’ presentation “Tolkien, Lunatic Physicists, and Abnegation”. What made you choose that presentation in particular?

Azh: Well, to be honest, there were (and are!) a lot of presentations I was excited about, but at the end of the day, I went for one that's especially near to my heart, though the history of why is probably a little complicated. I'm both a physicist and a fic author and have been for a very long time; because I use fic often as a means to engage with my emotions and experiences, I guess it was inevitable that these things would come together, and in fact I've written more than one fic centered on my field of study (as I'm sure many of us have).

Beyond this, fandom has had a real and meaningful impact on my life (I promise I'm going somewhere with this.) When I was finishing up my PhD in physics, one of my very close friends—also a PhD in physics, whom I met through the Magic the Gathering fandom—asked if I'd read one of her Dishonored fics (The Natural Philosopher and the Nonlinear Terms) because she wanted a kick in the pants to finish it. I said sure, even though it wasn't a fandom I had any experience with at the time, and it's very much a fic that stands alone, and also has been extremely meaningful to me in my development in my professional capacity as well as my fandom one. There's a conversation where the two main characters (scientists trying to cure a plague in a dying city) in which they both discuss the same essential question that Cindy's presentation does, and that has really never left me. I mean to the extent that I went and did a postdoc at Los Alamos National Lab, where the atomic bomb was developed (my friend who wrote this fic also did, and her presence there was another draw). Now I'm in the middle of doing research into the use of artificial intelligence techniques and quite frankly the question of at what point do you need to abnegate, step away from a piece of research, is haunting me in a professional capacity. I don't think I could have not written this fic if I tried.

Shadow: I think it is one of the questions all scientists get confronted with during their careers. I have certainly encountered similar thoughts during my undergrad and now working on my Master degree as well. While I haven't (yet?) turned to fanfiction to explore my own thoughts on the matter, I am very excited to hear Cindy's presentation and your own story!

In Tolkien's works, we encounter similar situations, where choices must be made to pursue a path or abstain from it. Are these fictional moments part of what interests you in Tolkien's legendarium? If not, are there any other aspects that draw you to his works that you wish to discuss?

Azh: What a complicated question! I think that there are a lot of things that draw me to Tolkien but maybe the most fundamental is his kindness towards fallibility. He brings up these questions, certainly, and he often has a pretty clear idea of what he considers the "right" answer but at the same time he doesn't really judge characters regardless of the choice they take. Faramir makes better choices than either Denethor or Boromir, but the presentation of both of the latter is still sympathetic. I have a lot of personal beef with Denethor but I still come away with an understanding of why he made the choices he did. Tolkien understands people sometimes fail, and sometimes hurt others, and that that isn't a good thing, but for all that he doesn't really villainize anyone. I've seen people claim that The Lord of the Rings is very black and white and it baffles me every time. One of my favorite quotes is "Nothing was evil in the beginning. Even Sauron was not so." For someone who struggles a lot with maladaptive perfectionism and post-traumatic stress disorder (and GOSH Tolkien is good at portraying PTSD), returning to the Legendarium means returning to a world that fundamentally understands that people try and fail and that's okay. Trying really does matter. Evil isn't inherent in the fabric of one's existence and one isn't fundamentally and irrevocably damned by one's errors.

Shadow: I have been thinking a lot about Tolkien's kindness toward fallibility recently, so it is funny that you bring it up now. But you are so right, Tolkien is very good at ensuring that you understand the motivations of a character even if they make the "wrong" choice, and I certainly appreciate the reminder that trying matters even when you fail. Truly, while doing these interviews, my favourite part has been to find out what others appreciate about these works we all love, because it has reminded me of so many aspects that I also adore but that aren't at the forefront of my mind when asked the same question.

Would you be willing to give us a small teaser for the story you'll be sharing with us during Mereth Aderthad?

Azh: Ooh yes, I love giving people hints! It's a story about a young scientist struggling to grapple with the ethics of research under imperialism, while having visions of Second Age Eregion and the conversations Annatar and Celebrimbor were having just before the forging of the Rings of Power. It's one of the most complex and layered I've written, because it's an in-universe document wrapped in a lot of different points of view. I haven't written something so theme-driven much before (usually I'm more character-driven) so I had to put in a lot of points of view to avoid feeling like I was using anyone as a mouthpiece.

Shadow: That little teaser has me all giddy and excited to hear the story now! It sounds absolutely intriguing. You said that it is not your usual type of work. Are there any previously written stories you want to highlight? If people are looking for your works to get a taste of your writing before the event, where might they find them?

Azh: So first I would highlight my Steampunk Númenor series (The Light and the Sea), which is on AO3 and SWG. Many of the characters who feature in my Mereth Aderthad fic were first introduced in that series, and it also has a very strong core surrounding the ethics of doing science under imperialism. The other thing I've written that might be of interest is The Holly-Folk of Gondor, which so far I haven't migrated to SWG, which is a series that would give people a lot more context for my headcanons surrounding Sauron and Celebrimbor.

Shadow: Well, these are certainly going on my to-be-read list! Thank you very much for sharing them!

I have one last question, and then I'll let you go. With Mereth Aderthad coming ever closer, what are you most excited about for the event?

Azh: I think I'd have to say getting to do a SWG event in-person with some of the people who've been such an important part of my community for the last five years. Especially now, I feel like community-building is so, so important, and one of the things I love in other people's fiction and often tackle in my own (The Holly-Folk of Gondor, especially), is the ways in which a community can do far more than one person can. And even for the folks who will be online, I'm so excited to be able to interact with them and talk about our shared love of Tolkien and everything else. I think an event like this brings us together the way nothing else can.

Shadow: I absolutely agree. Getting the chance to celebrate this wonderful community and the multitude of ways we have influenced each other’s lives is amazing and I can't wait to (virtually) see everyone in July. Thank you so much for chatting with me about your story and your work, and I'm excited to hear it at Mereth Aderthad!