Comments on The Birds of the Temple Garden

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Things I like about this:

1. Very well written: the words flow so pleasantly, and tension is very well maintained.

2. The excellent people-handling skills demonstrated by Mairon the ascended middle-manager. (I would never be able to handle an under-performing underling so skillfully.)

3. The very atmospheric setting with its subtle sadness.



Thanks for reading and commenting, Tehta!  Re: point 2--I don't know where he comes up with these things, being a figment of my imagination, and me being fairly socially inept and also totally not intimidating. He's actually a great character to have living in one's head though, because actually gives me ideas about how to handle my own life more, um, efficiently.

Mairon is frightening and impressive. Clearly, Aksnuzîr's best course would be to run, although I'm not sure it would be possible to run fast enough. You've got me speculating in what way "watch over the gardens" is going to be a really horrifying job...

The description of the garden and the birds is beautiful, melancholy and very ominous.

Also  the way you make the Faithful sound like an obscure minority cult is very clever and, as we've discussed on LJ, I think it is quite possible that many of the citizens of Armenelos really were disposed to think of them like that at that time.



"You've got me speculating in what way "watch over the gardens" is going to be a really horrifying job..." 

*hums noncommitally*

 

Thank you again for your comments, Himring, here and on LJ. After the LJ discussion my doubts as to the plausibility as assauged, although I still do need to crack open UT or some other resource and do a more thorough research job at some point.

 

Hello, I wanted to offer my congratulations to you for this story, it is extremely well written and, in my opinion, depicts very nicely a side often left unexplored of what converting a whole civilization would have meant for dear old Mairon. I find that his skills in handling the failed priest denote a keen mind capable of "organized evil" that makes him even more dangerous than his master despite appearing less so.

On another note the description of the temple is beautiful in its melancholy.

I look forward to reading another chapter.



Thank you so much (and welcome to SWG!).  

Your encouragement is quite timely, as I've been meaning to finish and post another chapter for, well, weeks. Between one thing and another going on in life, I haven't managed it yet, but the story is very much alive and well in my mind. Hopefully I'll get another chapter up here soon. I'm pleased you noted the melancholic air of the temple, since that was one thing I was very much aiming to portray.

I love it! I love the writing, and all the characters. The brave realist "heretic", the cowardly gardener who cannot oppose even a rooster, and, of course, Mairon, who with all his power can afford to indulge his curiosity. The pacing is amazing, too: that last passage really offsets the tense conversation of the first scene with a simmering tension of a different, less intelectual and more basic, sort.



In this chapter I liked how you built the character of Kathunâ showing her to be at the same time very brave in her humanity and extremely realistic, I loved her awe at the sight of the Maia's eyes that didn't translated into servility and her rational integrity that marks her as very different from both groups operating on behalf of divinities. Another very well depicted character was Sauron, the way Mairon succeeds in being at the same time almost courteously elegant and, maybe even because of that, deeply menacing is extremely pleasant. It was very fascinating to me seeing how his supernatural nature translated in his treatment of human beings, even ones he has projects for. 

As for the second part it is beautifully written, not that the first wasn't, but there I feel that the style becomes a protagonist in itself. Aksnuzîr is clearly clueless about what to expect and I found the contrast between the "cruelty" of nature (hens eating their own eggs thanks to the rooster) and the one of men (Aksnuzîr feeling trapped in what could have been his domain and taking it out on a worm) very well, and subtly, done.

 Congratulations.

 

Thank you for your detailed comments, Valentis! I'm finding it interesting to see what people are getting from the story, since some of it is connections I didn't consciously draw while writing it (I.e., your perception of two different types of cruelty in the garden...I'm pleased that readers are pointing these things out, and that such perceptive readers have taken a liking to this story!)

Brilliant stuff here, Huin!  Your imagery is vivid, phrasing is lovely, and the themes...well, my atheist's black little heart soars. :^D

I derived a good deal of amusement from Chapter 2's Interlogue.  Somehow, I suspect Aksnuzîr's dealing with the chickens might be inspired by authorial first-hand experience.  Loved the allusion to one of Manwë's feathered spies overhead.

You're well on your way to an enviably well-written magnum opus here!  Very well done.



Thanks so much, Pande! Somehow I am not surprised that certain themes here would appeal to you. One of several strands of inspiration for this story was wanting to address the canon's simplistic picture of "Faithful v. Cult of Melkor". And as for the Ch 2 interlogue...well, 'write what you know' and all that, hahaha.

That's a great second chapter.

As others have said: you've added a further twist to the tension and you've maintained the stylistic appeal and contrast of your narrative strands.

And it's good to meet Kathuna, although (being a very sentimental reader!) one could wish she were in a better place.

(I somehow assumed the dark bird was Sauron transformed rather than a messenger of Manwe. Looking again, I see the tonal ambiguity, at least, is intentional--vulture or eagle?)

 



Thank you for stopping by and commenting, Himring!

Ah, there is still much time for fortunes to alter for all in involved, in some way or other (not that that's much comfort, necessarily). 

Re: dark bird. I am pleased that it invites different intertepretations. *rubs hands together* I am suddenly reminded of a lyric from Leonard Cohen's song 'The Story of Isaac': "I thought I saw an eagle, but it might have been a vulture, I never could decide."  Hmm. *considers the merits of adding song to story-writing playlist*

I'm sure Mairon finds dealing with Saklinzil to be a good deal less...trying.

I confess I rather quickly came to sympathize with Pharazôn while writing this. He's clever, but simply not clever enough when pitted against mortality/Valinor/Mairon/any of the other things that are in some way set against him. Of course he's also kind of a raging egotist, so there's that.

Thanks for reading, Himring!