I Ain't Got No Body by IgnobleBard

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Fanwork Notes

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A silly fic Oshun made me post.

Fanwork Information

Summary:

Glorfindel can't seem to stay out of Mandos.

Major Characters: Glorfindel, Mandos

Major Relationships:

Genre: Humor

Challenges:

Rating: Adult

Warnings: Character Death
Chapters: 1 Word Count: 669
Posted on 5 June 2008 Updated on 5 June 2008

This fanwork is complete.

Chapter 1

Read Chapter 1

Námo looked at the Elf standing in front of him and shook his head in resignation.

“Again? What was it this time?”

“Tried to swim against an undertow.”

“Dammit, Glorfindel! I’ve never seen an Elf so accident prone. Oh, all right, you know the drill.”

Glorfindel’s fëa made its way to the body chamber and stepped in. Lights flashed, buzzers sounded, the door hissed open, and Glorfindel, in a fog of dry ice, walked out in his brand new body.

“Looks good,” Námo observed, “if I do say so myself. And I do.”

“I don’t know,” Glorfindel said, shifting from foot to foot and hiking up his hips. “It’s a little tight in the crotch.”

“It’ll stretch out, give it a few months,” Námo said.

“All right then. Bye.”

“Yep, off you go.”

*two months later*

Námo was sipping his tea when Glorfindel’s fëa appeared before him. He jumped like a scalded cat and tea flew everywhere.

“Glorfindel! What in the name of Manwë’s shiny knob…?”

“Horse threw me,” Glorfindel said shortly.

“Off to the chamber with you,” Námo said with a sigh.

Glorfindel wandered back in, naked. “Mind if I join you?” he said, approaching a chair.

Námo tossed the tea towel under him just before his butt hit the naugahyde. “This is getting to be quite the habit with you, Glorfindel,” he said, pouring him a cup of tea. “You’ve got to be more careful.”

“I do try, but something always seems to happen.”

After the tea and a couple of cucumber sandwiches he left.

*two months later*

Námo was flossing his teeth when he saw Glorfindel’s fëa in the mirror behind him. He dropped the floss and gasped causing one end of the string to go down his throat. He had a minor coughing fit and tears were streaming from his eyes as he shouted, “Glorfindel!”

“Slipped on the soap,” Glorfindel’s fëa shrugged.

“You do this one more time and I’m putting you in a Troll!” Námo groused.

“This isn’t fun for me either,” Glorfindel said crossly.

“No, I guess not. Just get in the chamber already.”

Glorfindel came out looking boffo. Námo almost drooled at the sight of him.

“My best work ever,” Námo beamed, turning Glorfindel around and looking him over. He took a lint brush and ran it over Glorfindel’s butt to remove a couple of wayward hairs. “You have got to take care of this, I’ll never make one better.”

“You know, I’m thinking maybe a change of scene. A trip to Middle Earth or something.”

“Out of the question!” Námo said firmly. “No dangerous sea voyages for you.”

“All right, I’ll just go to the hunt this weekend.”

“No better rider than you are? Not on your newly minted behind.”

“Well, then I’ll just hit the shower and be on my way.”

“You’re here because you slipped on the soap. You are forbidden to shower ever again.”

“Then what can I do?” Glorfindel was exasperated.

“There is one safe activity,” Námo said with a grin.

They were right in the middle of making love when Vairë’s tapestry of Glorfindel slaying the Balrog fell on them. Námo struggled out from under the heavy cloth but by the time he pulled Glorfindel out, the Elf had suffocated.

Glorfindel’s fëa floated next to Námo’s shoulder, looking down sadly at his beautiful, lifeless body.

“That was a really nice one too,” he sighed.

“Yeah, I’m gonna miss that one,” Námo said, stroking the golden hair.

“To the chamber again?”

“No, I have a better idea,” Námo grinned.

He picked up a straw and sucked Glorfindel’s fëa into it, then shoved the straw up the body’s nose and blew hard. Glorfindel took a deep breath, then another, and finally his eyes fluttered open.

“Whoa!” he said. “That was. . . wild!”

Námo laughed. “I haven’t done that in years. You should have seen the look on Fingon’s face when I did that to him.

“Please, spare me the details,” Glorfindel giggled.

“All right, off with you now,” Námo said good-naturedly. “And this time be extra careful!”

“I will,” Glorfindel promised.

*six months later*

Námo was putting the finishing touches on his bonsai tree when he heard a voice behind him.

"Ever try to feed jerky to a Warg? "

"Nooooo!"

Leave a Comment

I think it is a scream and very clever. I think my favorite line is "it's a little tight in crotch." That is so funny. And the response to it as well. Those lines and the straw episode. Using Fingon as the punch-line there cracks me up every time I read it. Sorry if I embarrassed you by making you post it. If you didn’t want to share, you should have written such an hilarious, irreverent piece.

My laptop's monitor is now Jackson Pollocked with today's coffee. This is -- in a word -- hootworthy. "Looking boffo" (I love that term) and the Tapestry Accident sent me over th edge.

I'm glad oshun convinced you to post this.  This is a perfectly hilarious addition to your comic compendium of "The Unbearable Smugness of Being (Fëanor)," "Texas Gay Boy..." "Elven Legends," and "A Boy and His Lob," all of which have done happy damage to my computer's monitor.

All right, time to get the cleaning solution... 

Oh dear, I am not sure if I can point out what the best part is... from the bodychamber thing to a sort of CPR where Fëar are being put back in the body, it all had me giggling madly. I love this concept and it's just once more so well executed!

Oshun nominated it already for the mefa's, but that was my first thought after I read it :) Congrats! 

 

Ok, I did already review this on fanfiction.net, but I couldn’t help reading it again... and it’s just as funny the second time.  You were quite creative with thinking up ways for him to die.  My favorite bits were probably when he said “It’s a little tight in the crotch,” and the ending – “Ever try to feed jerky to a Warg?”  Ingenious, truly.  :D

I wanted to leave a copy of your MEFA review on here so you had it with the story =)

 

I think it is safe to say that Ignoble Bard is carving out his own path in the Silmarillion humor category. After reading his hysterical 'The Unbeatable Smugness of Being Feanor', I knew he had a somewhat twisted sense of humor (Which I LOVE btw) and this story did not disappoint. Its rare to find someone who writes so well and at the same time is so dang funny! He is the George Carlin of the Simarillion Fanfiction. Writing about Glorfindel's death, repeated death rather, was perfect - made the elf lord seem a little less perfect. And not many of his deaths were something to be proud of either. I keep thinking of mother's warnings about 'we can't have nice things'. Apparently wtih Glorfindel he 'can't have a great body'. Even the title is hysterical - I keep hearing the song in my head!

Wow, Alassante, this is awesome! Thanks for your comments and thanks for your vote. It's kind of overwhelming and touching that this story is getting such a good response. I can't thank you enough. The comparison to George Carlin is a welcome compliment as well, especially in light of his recent passing. I very much appreciate that. "We can't have nice things" ROFL My mom used to say the same to us. I guess it was true, we were pretty rambuctious. I didn't know if anyone would remember the song. I'm glad you do. :-)

Aren't all the plants and animals ever represented in Valinor? lol I liked the idea of Namo tying to find ways to relax and Glorfindel popping up and disturbing him. I've known a few people like that. Always calling when you're in the shower or whatever. Thanks for commenting. I really appreciate it.