A Soul like broken Wings by chrissystriped  

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Chapter Three

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Reviahûn stood on the balcony, the wind tousling his hair and making the hem of his robe flap. It was late, the sun ship sinking into Ekkaia to make to journey east. Soon Eonwe would come back. Reviahûn shivered a little. He had thought about it the whole day, but he was still not sure if he could say it. Didn’t this belong in Angband? Did he still think like a slave? But he had hurt Eonwe so much... although he’d thought it was for his best. Reviahûn still wasn’t sure if letting him get close was the best for Eonwe.

‘It’s not for you to decide if I’m supposed to want you.’

Reviahûn shivered as Eonwe’s words came to his mind again and how he had sounded when he said it... Reviahûn hugged himself and wished it were Eonwe’s arms holding him. This morning he hadn’t had any doubts that Eonwe wanted him. As if the thought had summoned him, there was a knock at the door.

“Come...” Reviahûn coughed when his voice failed. “Come in.”

He turned halfway to look at Eonwe who slowly walked in. Eonwe didn’t ask: ‘How are you?’ He surely heard it clearly. He came closer and spread his arms, a silent offer and Reviahûn let himself sink against his chest, letting his warm arms embrace him. He closed his eyes, breathed Eonwe’s smell – wind and clouds and snow.

“Were you in the mountains today?”, he asked and Eonwe made an affirmative sound.

“I think, Manwe tries to keep me busy, though I won’t brood too much about you”, he said with an amused smile.

Reviahûn felt guilty. He didn’t want to hurt him. He didn’t want Eonwe to suffer because of him. He smiled when a soft breeze that didn’t come from the window moved his hair. He opened his eyes and looked at the wings that enveloped him in a white and caramel cocoon.

Reviahûn caressed the feathers beside his head and smiled at Eonwe. This felt so good. For a long moment he let his thoughts come to rest and just enjoyed being secure.

“Reviahûn...” Eonwe licked his lips. “I just wanted to say... we don’t have to have sex, if you don’t want to. I can wait.”

Reviahûn shook his head. “I didn’t lie when I said that I’m not afraid of that. Maybe I should, but...” Reviahûn shrugged. “I know that you aren’t Sauron.”

“Good.”

Eonwe caressed his back with long, firm strokes and Reviahûn hummed with pleasure, kissing his neck.

“But thank you for your concern.” Reviahûn licked his lips but then he decided to keep his thoughts to himself for now. Eonwe’s Music was so full of love and he felt so good in this twofold embrace. He didn’t want to lose that now. “And right now... can we just cuddle”

“Of course.” Eonwe’s gaze was soft. “Bed?”

Reviahûn nodded and Eonwe opened his wings. Reviahûn immediately missed the embrace and asked him to fold them around him again when they had gotten comfortable. Eonwe did it with a smile and kissed his forehead. Reviahûn snuggled into him, the wings soft around his body. He hadn’t been that relaxed in a long while, he hadn’t realised how much is muscles had hurt. It felt good. So good. He closed his eyes and listened to Eonwe’s breath, his slow heartbeat under his ear, the rustling of his feathers...

 

Eonwe was awake when Reviahûn tensed in his arms, he didn’t need that much sleep and he enjoyed it too much to be close to Reviahûn to waste the time with him. A quiet whimper left Reviahûn’s lips and Eonwe shook him gently.

“Reviahûn?” He was having a nightmare. “Reviahûn, wake up!”

“No!”, his beloved screamed and opened his eyes, trembling and panting.

“It’s okay, Reviahûn”, Eonwe murmured. “No one is hurting you.”

Reviahûn squirmed out of his arms and stumbled on the balcony where he clung sobbing to the railing. Eonwe sat up and watched him with acing heart. He felt so powerless. Reviahûn was hurting and there was nothing he could do.

“There was a boy”, Reviahûn suddenly said. “He was... a Noldo but he was so young.” Reviahûn sniffled. Eonwe saw that he wiped his eyes. “He shouldn’t have been there. None of them should have been there, but he was almost a child. I forsook him. If I’d had my body better under control...”

“Reviahûn”, Eonwe whispered and stood slowly up. Reviahûn turned around, his eyes shining with tears.

“I... Sauron wanted me anyway, but after Mablung came there, I made certain that Sauron didn’t look at anyone else. What if he... now that I’m gone...” Reviahûn threw himself into his arms and buried his face on his shoulder.

“Reviahûn”, Eonwe whispered again and stroked his head. “I’m sure you did what you could to help him.”

“I didn’t tell anyone about him”, Reviahûn whispered. “Not Irmo, not Manwe. They... are so angry with people like him.”

People like him...

“He fought in Alqualonde?”, Eonwe asked and felt a shiver run down his spine. None of them had thought that elves were capable of something like that.

Reviahûn nodded. “He has nightmares about it. He... he isn’t a bad person, he was just swept up in it. He’s so afraid of Mandos... because of what Namo said to them. He doesn’t want to die and I... idiot that I am, strengthened his beliefs! Wouldn’t it have been more kind to tell him death is merciful? You can’t imagine how it is there, Eonwe, what he’ll have to do to stay alive.”

“No, I really can’t”, Eonwe said slowly, “but Reviahûn, I know how horrified and angry they – we – were. I saw it, Reviahûn! Manwe ordered me to watch the Noldor. I saw them murdering the Teleri – and if I hadn’t been ordered not to intervene, I’d have fought on the Teleri’s side. Namo might not be needlessly cruel, but he is just and they’ll have to atone for what they did. I’m not sure how merciful his death would be.”

Reviahûn sobbed and Eonwe held him close.

“I’m sorry, my song. I wish I could tell you something more comforting.”

“I just wish I could have saved him”, Reviahûn whispered.

“But maybe this is Father’s plan?”, Eonwe said cautiously.

Their father knew that he had doubted him often these last years, but maybe the thought would help him – and himself, too.

“Maybe your boy has a task there”, he continued. “Maybe you had to be there to help him survive.”

Reviahûn looked up surprised. “That... I didn’t think about it that way.”

He smiled weakly and Eonwe felt guilty for trying to make him believe in something he wasn’t completely sure of himself.

“It’s an... encouraging thought.”

Eonwe kissed his forehead and hoped that he wouldn’t hear his doubts. Reviahûn felt like hope and he didn’t want to take it away from him again.

 

Reviahûn felt rested when he woke, still hugged by Eonwe’s pinions. He had allowed himself to be persuaded to lie down again after their nightly conversation, although he’d thought he wouldn’t fall asleep again. He snuggled up to his beloved and sighed when he caressed his hair. His body felt more right than it had for a long time.

“Thank you, Eonwe”, he whispered.

“For what?”, Eonwe asked surprised.

“For coming to me although I didn’t want you to. For not giving up on me. I love you.”

Eonwe beamed at him. “I love you, too, Reviahûn, always.”

Reviahûn’s stomach rumbled and Eonwe looked surprised.

“Do you need food?”

Reviahûn nodded ashamed. “I’m so weak now...”

“Stop it”, Eonwe interrupted him. “Or do you want me to get angry again? You’ve been through a lot, including the loss of a body. You’ll get better. Let’s find breakfast. What do you think about a trip to Valmar? Elves cook so much better than we.”

Reviahûn smiled at him. “That would be nice, I think.”

“Have you been outside since...” Eonwe stopped, obviously not sure how to end his sentence.

“I was in the garden a few times, with Manwe or Irmo, but not outside Ilmaren.”

Eonwe stood up, kissing his cheek before letting go, and opened the dresser beside the bed. Reviahûn put on the robe he offered him and combed his hair. It still felt strange to have it long again... Reviahûn chased the thought away. Breakfast with Eonwe in the sunlight. He smiled at his beloved again. He could look forward to that.

 

They walked in a leisurely pace because Reviahûn didn’t have enough control over his shape yet, to travel like their kind usually did. Eonwe knew that it would get better with time, he knew Maiar who had lost their shapes in the war with Melkor. Patience. Eonwe grimaced. He hadn’t told Manwe, yet, that he had ignored his order – but Irmo had advised him to talk to Reviahûn, after all. And Reviahûn seemed to be happy that he had done so, so he wouldn’t be too angry – he hoped.

“What’s wrong?”, Reviahûn asked.

Eonwe shook his head and laced their fingers. The smile Reviahûn gave him made him happy – and broke his heart at the same time. He was so grateful for his affection... Did he really think that he didn’t deserve this?

“I just remembered that Manwe forbade me to see you and I’ll have to confess to him that I disregarded his order.”

Reviahûn squeezed his hand. “I’ll talk to him. He did it on my request and. I’m sorry.”

Eonwe gave him a quick kiss on the temple. “You don’t have to be. It’s not your fault.”

Reviahûn looked around curiously as they walked through Valmar’s streets.

“I haven’t been here for so long”, he said. “Always on the move to see for Manwe.”

Eonwe laid his hand on his back, always ready to put distance between them, if it was too much closeness for Reviahûn, but his beloved leaned against him.

“I admit that I would like to have you here for longer”, he said. “Although I hate how it came to pass.”

“If you don’t leave me, I won’t mind that much that I’ve lost my wings for a while.”

“It was always beyond discussion that I won’t, Reviahûn – on my side at least. And if you long for flying, I can carry you.”

Eonwe would have been worried about Reviahûn doubting him, if it weren’t so clearly himself he was doubting.

“How could you ever think that I wouldn’t want you anymore?”

Eonwe called himself an idiot when the pain came back to Reviahûn’s Music.

“You don’t know so many things”, he whispered. “I feel like deceiving you.”

Eonwe shook his head. “Nothing will change my love for you, my song. Let’s not talk about this any longer. Here is the café I had in mind.”

They sat on one of the tables outside and Eonwe pushed the menu at Reviahûn.

“Won’t you eat anything?”, Reviahûn asked blushing.

“Of course I will, but I already know what I want. I don’t need to eat, but that doesn’t mean I can’t enjoy it. I like the pies they make.”

“Do they know...”

“Eonwe! What can I bring you?”

‘Question answered?’, Eonwe asked with a wink at Reviahûn.

“Good morning, Varanye. The spinach pie and fennel tea for me. Reviahûn?”

“The mushroom omelette and black coffee, please.”

“Fennel tea?”, Reviahûn asked with a laugh in his voice, when Varanye had left. Eonwe shrugged.

“I like the taste. You were absent too much after the elves came here.” Eonwe had had to search him in Arda when he wanted to see him. “But we’ll catch up. I’ll show you all my favourite places.”

Reviahûn put his hand on his arm and gave him another of these smiles that made Eonwe’s heart skip a beat.

“I’d...” He jumped when something shattered in the interior of the café.

Eonwe felt fear flare up in his Music and took his hand between his own, it was icy cold. Reviahûn was pale and panting.

“Everything’s alright”, Eonwe hummed. “Someone shattered a glass.”

Reviahûn nodded and gulped, but the fear didn’t leave.

“What can I do?”, Eonwe asked pleadingly.

“I don’t know”, Reviahûn answered with trembling voice.

Eonwe hummed a calming melody and rubbed Reviahûn’s cold hand while he frantically searched for a way to help his beloved. He wished there were something he could defeat with his power, but the threat was in Reviahûn’s head and he could do nothing about it. He felt so clumsy and helpless. He pushed the thought aside because it wouldn’t help Reviahûn.

“Can you feel the sun on your face?”, he asked, getting an idea. “The wind in your hair? You aren’t caught, you are free and safe. Feel how warm the light is and how gentle the breeze. Do you smell the linden blossoms from the tree on the other side of the street?”

Reviahûn’s other hand came up to close around Eonwe’s and squeezed gently.

“Yes”, he answered ant took a deep, shuddering breath. “Thank you. I... feel better now. Tell me about those favourite places of yours?”

Eonwe accepted the diversion all too willingly and told him about his life while Reviahûn had been absent. Reviahûn sounded not frightened anymore, he ate his breakfast with relish and when he laughed about a joke Eonwe made, Eonwe felt his happiness. He would have liked to know why the shattering glass had frightened him so and if there were other things that might scare him, but he didn’t want to remind him. Reviahûn would talk about this when he was ready.