A Soul like broken Wings by chrissystriped  

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Chapter Four

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“Eonwe?”, Reviahûn whispered into the night.

He wasn’t sure if Eonwe was sleeping, but he’d been lying awake for hours. It had been a bad day and it promised to become a worse night. Eonwe had held him and tried to dissuade him from his self-hatred with tenderness – and Reviahûn hadn’t had the courage to tell him that it wasn’t tenderness he needed.

But his self-doubts, the surety that he didn’t deserve to lie in Eonwe’s arms, were gnawing on him. His soul hurt so much. He needed him, he needed him like he had been on that morning he had first come to him.

“Eonwe?”, he said a little louder and Eonwe made a sleepy sound.

“What’s wrong?”, he mumbled.

“I need you.” Reviahûn felt hm jerk, the words waking him instantly.

“Reviahûn, my song”, he said gently, but Reviahûn shook his head before he could start trying to calm him.

“That’s not what I need”, he said haltingly. “I... be possessive. Maybe a little rough?”

Reviahûn squinted when the lamp beside his bed was lighted. He tried to look away but Eonwe held his chin and looked searchingly into his eyes.

“You are doubting again if you deserve me?”

Reviahûn nodded and whispered: “I’m sorry. I don’t want to hurt you.”

Eonwe’s hand caressed Reviahûn’s cheek and Reviahûn thought he could almost hear Eonwe think.

“I hear what you ask me for, my song”, he finally said. “I’m just not sure if it is prudent.”

Reviahûn wasn’t either, but... “Please”, he whispered. “It hurts so much. Help me.”

“Oh, Reviahûn.” Eonwe kissed him gently. “Do you remember how we fought in the sky?”

“Yes”, Reviahûn answered softly.

It would be so much easier to be a falcon. Maybe even... a tamed falcon? He shivered and bushed the thought away for later, to listen to Eonwe. He couldn’t change anyway.

“Do you remember, too, that we had a safeguard in case it got too much for one of us?”

Oh! Reviahûn smiled at him and sang a short melody into Eonwe’s thoughts.

“Exactly.” Eonwe traced his lower lip with his thumb. “If you... become afraid of me or you want me to stop for some other reason, you just have to sing.”

Reviahûn nodded and held his breath when a hard look came to Eonwe’s face. His beloved gripped his chin tighter.

“I thought I’d told you that it isn’t your decision if I want you”, he said. “Didn’t you understand that?”

Reviahûn took a shuddering breath. “I did, love, I...”

“No!”, Eonwe interrupted him. “Don’t lie to me, I can hear you think. I know that you disparage yourself again.”

Reviahûn closed his eyes, he couldn’t bear the intensity of Eonwe’s eyes. He was laying his soul bare.

“Look at me!”, Eonwe snapped and Reviahûn’s eyes flew open. “You are hurting yourself, Reviahûn, and I won’t tolerate that you do this to yourself.”

“I won’t do it again”, Reviahûn whispered.

He had tears in his eyes, but he felt the doubts drain away. Yes, he needed this.

“Really?” Eonwe cocked his head. “I don’t believe you. You think yourself soiled and worthless, but you aren’t. You can’t rely on your own picture of yourself, my song. So I tell you: Depend on me in this! You belong to me! And if you doubt your place at my side, you’re doubting me for choosing you.”

Reviahûn wanted to protest, but something told him that would be a bad idea, so he just nodded.

“I will depend on you, Eonwe. I’ll see myself only through your eyes.”

His heart beat wildly in his chest. He was sure that Eonwe wouldn’t be content with that.

“You already said so the last time. This time...”

Reviahûn made a startled sound when Eonwe flipped him around and held him down. Reviahûn tried to struggle instinctively but Eonwe smacked his backside and ordered: “Keep still!”

Reviahûn obeyed, his muscles tense.

“This time I’ll teach you a lesson, my song. So you’ll stop to think next time before you let your doubts get the better of you again.” Eonwe caressed his hair and kissed his ear. “You remember what to do, if you want me to stop?”

Reviahûn nodded. It was weird. This was so close to some things Sauron had done to him and still... he wasn’t afraid. Maybe because he was absolutely sure that Eonwe would never go as far as Sauron had done.

“Good.”

Eonwe’s hand met his buttock with a resounding slap.

“I love you.”

Another slap. Eonwe’s voice was gentle again, but the slaps that rained down on his buttocks were firm. Reviahûn moaned, his skin was burning. The pain was cleansing. The pain silenced his doubts completely. The pain made him Eonwe’s.

“I love you and it hurts to see you hating yourself.” Eonwe’s voice was husky. “I’ll prove to you that you are deserving of my love until you can believe it again. And until then”, an especially hard slap made Reviahûn cry out softly, “I’ll spank you every time you forget to see yourself through my eyes.”

Reviahûn sobbed. Eonwe’s laid his hand gently on his hot, throbbing backside.

“I’m sorry”, Reviahûn croaked and let his tears run freely.

“My Reviahûn.” Eonwe embraced him again and this time Reviahûn could enjoy it with his whole being. “It’s not your fault, but I forgive you”, his beloved said and kissed his forehead. “Let it out, my song.”

 

Eonwe held his crying beloved in his arms and didn’t know if he had done the right thing or if he had made everything worse. But Reviahûn clung to him as if he were the only thing keeping his head above water. He didn’t feel fear from him and no pain, either. Well, at least not the deep pain of the soul he had carried around all day, his backside was sore.

“Was this what you needed?”, he asked and Reviahûn nodded. “Good. I’m glad I could help you. If I notice that you feel bad again, do you want me to just treat you like that or should I wait until you ask me to?”

They both knew that it would happen again and Eonwe wanted to have clarity. Reviahûn bit his lips, then he looked at him, his eyes red rimmed but clear.

“Just do it. If I... can’t, I’ll sing.”

Eonwe nodded and kissed him gently. “As you wish, my song. Whatever you need to heal.”

 

Manwe smiled at Reviahûn when he came into his office.

“Am I disturbing you?”, he asked insecurely, but his Master shook his head.

“What can I do for you, my friend?”

Reviahûn sat on the chair he was offered. “I’d like to work again, Manwe. I feel better and I’m going to go stir-crazy if I have to lie around in bed much longer. Please, give me some task. I know I’m not yet strong enough to change shape and that means I can’t be your eyes, but maybe you can think of something else for me to do?”

Manwe nodded. “Of course. We’ll find something for you. Would you rather work alone or would you like to mingle with elves?”

“I think I would like to work together with elves”, Reviahûn answered without hesitating.

He hadn’t had much dealing with elves in the past, but in Angband he had suffered and bled alongside them, had shared food and comfort. He had found friends there – and he would never see them again. Reviahûn held his breath to stop his tears when despair overwhelmed him.

“Reviahûn?” Manwe came around his desk and gently laid a hand on his shoulder. “Are you sure that you are ready?”

Reviahûn nodded. “I just had to think about the people that I had to leave behind.” Reviahûn looked into Manwe’s eyes. “I can understand that you don’t want to help the Noldor after what happened, but... there are so many elves there who never left Arda. Why can’t we fight for them?”

Manwe looked suddenly very sad and Reviahûn almost regretted to have asked.

“It’s not fair for those, I know, but the way the Noldor left... I’m sure you heard about the Kinslaying. They’ll have to fend for themselves for now.”

Reviahûn didn’t ask any further, he could feel how much it pained Manwe.

“So, how can I be of service to you, Manwe?”

“Alaco flew east with Thorondor and I didn’t find time to replace him, yet. You’d be my voice at Ingwe’s court. I often sent... someone else in the meantime, but...”

“Eonwe?”, Revaihûn asked with a smile. To say his beloved was diplomatic would be a blatant lie.

“Yes. It’s good to see that you can smile again when Eonwe comes up.” Manwe smiled and squeezed his shoulder. “Ingwe and I are in contact, but it would be good to have a representative at his court. I know from experience that it is easier for elves to come to a Maia with their requests, especially one that is already around anyway, than to come to Ilmaren. If you don’t feel up to that yet, we’ll find something else, so don’t feel pressured.”

“I’d like to do it”, Reviahûn said. “But I’d feel better if they didn’t know that I was in Angband. I want neither pity nor questions.”

Manwe nodded. “I think that can be done.”

Reviahûn hadn’t been well known to the elves of Aman. He had been one of Manwe’s birds that watched the world for him and when he had been in Ilmaren he had spent his time with Eonwe.

“So be it. I’m happy, Reviahûn. Is it thanks to Eonwe that you feel so much better?”, Manwe asked. “I told him to keep his distance, so if he is harassing you, be honest about it and I’ll see to it that he stays away.”

Reviahûn shook his head. “He doesn’t force his presence on me. I just had to... be convinced that he still wants me.”

Eonwe had held him in his arms, wings wrapped around them, again all night.

“I’m very happy, Manwe.”

And he meant it. Eonwe was good at seeing, what he needed - now that he knew what Reviahûn sometimes craved - and he always gave it to him. Manwe smiled relieved.

“I’m happy to hear it, my friend.”