Little light of mine (let it shine, please, let it shine) by Fiamma Galathon  

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Smothered Flames

IMPORTANT WARNINGS
Content warnings for this chapter include: infant death (specifically caused by IRDS), choking, panic attacks, grief, loss of a child, quite vividly described IRDS [Infant Respiratory Distress Syndrome] symptoms, mentions of seizures, disassociation.

Take care of yourself! It's not all hurt without comfort but the comfort is bleak.

If those topics do not distress you enough to deter you from reading, go on, enjoy the Pain and catharsis.

~~~~

12th December 377 F.A., Fortress of Mount Reír.

 

 

Her labor wasn’t long. It wasn’t even that difficult. She was in good shape, the midwives had everything they could dream of and more, for the elvish one could do some sort of magic to streamline everything, and she was fine.

 

Caranthir had knelt at her side for the whole four hours of it, lost somewhere between fear and joy, and dropped off in exhaustion some half-an-hour ago, having spent all of his energy steadying the spirit of their child so it could be born safely. It was an elvish tradition, to have the father there during the birth, and she found herself very, very glad for it the moment she saw the expression on the face of Elder Breha as she lifted the baby up from the first bath.

 

She was doubly glad that Caranthir was currently dead to the world.

 

Haleth felt her heart stop for a second with grief as the little, too little boy was given to her to hold. He was beautiful, tiny head fuzzy with black hair, ears slightly pointed and still hairy, face red, scrunched up, so very small fists moving in fits like as if he was battling a foe.

 

With a sinking dread she understood; it was too early for him.

 

She swallowed back tears.

 

He was breathing very fast, little shallow gasps of air, unable to take a full breath and scream.

 

The foe he was battling was time, and he could not beat it.

 

-Oh, my baby.- she choked out, feeling her heart break. Caranthir was in this not-exactly-asleep state he got into, exhausted, for he had not slept for three days, and she glanced at him, wishing to spare him the grief for a few moments more.

 

The baby grunted, tiny face scrunched up in obvious pain, and she could feel the rapid beating of his heart under her hand, like that of a mouse. -Shh, little one, it’s all right. It’s all right.- she murmured, trying her best not to cry. – It will pass soon.-

 

Elder Breha came up to her, squeezing her shoulder. – Chief. I give it to sunrise, at most.- she said with grief and pity. – That’s a strong little warrior, but...-

 

-It is too early for him.- Haleth closed her eyes, biting back a sob, shoulders hunching. – I know.-

 

– You did well. You did all you could. The best thing you can do is hold him so he won’t be ever alone.- the elder pressed one hand to her hair, smoothing it back, a modicum of comfort. - Give him a name while you still can.-

 

-We will.- she murmured, gently touching her son’s cheek with one finger. It was smooth and warm, and the boy kicked out, the soft blanket far too big for him. He was barely the length of her forearm, and she wished she could do anything to help him breathe.

 

-I’m very sorry, child.- Breha squeezed her shoulder again. – I’m very sorry the world is cruel to you.-

 

-I...Thank you for your help, Elder.- Haleth leaned into the touch, and Breha stroked her hair again, before turning around to coordinate the rest of the cleanup.

 

After a moment that Haleth spent just staring at her baby, bouncing him in her arms gently, doing her level best not to break down, the elder left the room, and with her two of her helpers. The elvish healer stayed for a moment longer, lingering between wanting to stay and go, naked grief on her pretty face. – Lady Haleth.- she whispered. – His feä is strong. I can’ t tell for sure what kindred does it resemble more, but… -

 

- He is a strong little warrior, Breha is right.- she cut her off, readjusting the blanket over him. It was a warm thing, made with so much love it seemed to glow with it, and he seemed to calm down a bit when he was wrapped in it.

 

It didn’t help with the way his heart raced or his lungs didn’t want to take in air, but… Her baby would be in pain for his whole life and she couldn’t do a thing to help him, only hold him close and try to comfort him. She would take whatever she could.

 

– I don’t...he will find his way himself. Wherever he will go after he leaves us.- she said, cradling his still soft head very gently. -He is a little warrior, aren’t you, little one? Halpîn, yes, it fits you.- Haleth looked at the healer, who was watching Caranthir’s sleeping form with horror and pity. – What about my husband?-

 

-Losing a child is...- the elleth shook her head, lips pressed together. – Lord Caranthir is very entwined with this little one. It will hurt him badly.- she settled finally on that.

 

-Will he survive this?- Haleth asked, fearing the response. She had heard him say that losing either one of them would kill him, but she had always thought it a hyperbole, for he was dramatic when he could.

 

She didn’t want to know what she would do if she lost her son and husband the same day.

 

– The Lord will make it, if he doesn’t let himself succumb to the grief, and we are not going to let him even try. I’m so sorry we can’t do more.-

 

-Small mercies. Thank you.- Haleth nodded through the fast-gathering tears, dismissing the healer.

 

And then she was left alone with the sound of her son’s labored, lighting-fast breaths, little puffs of air that didn’t even let him scream his pain, and the regular sound of Caranthir’s exhales, as he slept with his head propped against her pillow, exhausted by the effort he pushed into steadying their son before birth.

 

Their son, whose spirit was strong enough, but body wasn’t.

 

She let go then, crying like her baby couldn’t, crying for the way she couldn’t have held the pregnancy longer and the way the little breaths of her son echoed in the silence and she was helpless to do anything.

 

Haleth was so tired, and in pain, and...

 

Halpîn was a tiny, warm weight against her breast. He was hers, he was her baby, her child.

 

She was going to lose him right after she picked him up for the first time.

 

It shredded her heart worse than the death of her brother and father had, and she could only cry, rocking her son softly. It wasn’t fair. It wasn’t fair that the world was cruel, and awful, and so beautiful and her baby would never learn it.

 

Haleth steadied her breaths, smiling through tears at her son, whose scrunched-up face and hairy ears she would remember until the day she died. -Oh, little one. My little warrior. Shhhh, shhh...I know, I’m sorry Halpîn, I’m sorry. Your Atto always calmed you down, huh? Shhh, I know it hurts little one, this will pass soon, and you won’t hurt anymore.- she pressed her lips to his fuzzy head, taking his tiny fist in her fingers. It was so fragile, but he gripped her pointer with surprising strength, grunting softly on each exhale.

 

He was in so much pain, and she couldn’t do anything to help, and it was killing her.

 

But if it was killing her, then her husband would be devastated.

 

She swallowed the tears, wiping them away into the corner of his blanket, and grit her teeth together. -Moryo.- she shook her husband’s shoulder. -Moryo, wake up.-

 

Caranthir blinked awake with a frown, the white film of sleep bleeding away from his eyes, and froze with a muffled gasp, face losing all color.

 

– No.- he choked out, scrambling to sit on the edge of the bed, hands trembling. – Haleth, why are they in so much pain?- he asked, voice anguished.

 

She looked at him, knowing full well her eyes were red-rimmed and full of tears. – It is… It is too early for him. I...congratulations, love, we have a son.- she managed, and Caranthir bent in half as if he had been cut down, fingers digging into his scalp.

 

-Haleth. - he keened, eyes unfocused. – He... he was meant to be alright, why is he in pain? Why...What... -

 

-Moryo.- she said quietly, swallowing her own grief. – He can’t breathe. He...for him it is too early still, he came too early. He is not going to make it to see the sun rise, love.-

 

Caranthir looked at her, suddenly blank. – What?-

 

-Caranthir Morifinwë Feanorion, your son was born too early and is dying. – Haleth said as clearly as she could, finger still trapped in the hold of her baby. – Get your shit together, and at least help me make it as painless as possible for him, please Moryo, I just...I can’t.- her voice broke, and Halpîn in her grasp shifted, each breath pointed with an awful grunt-and-whistle from his too-fragile lungs.

 

Her husband was frozen, staring at their baby, so very tiny that he seemed to drown in the brown-red blanket. Haleth swallowed again. – Caranthir. Hold him now while you still have the chance. Love, please, make it matter. Make those few hours he has matter and not be only pain, Moryo, please.-

 

He seemed to unfreeze with a startle, silent tears starting to run down his face, and he reached out to take Halpîn from her. She let him, even though the wild animal in her chest raged against it, claws of pained grief raking across her.

 

Moryo held their son like the most precious, fragile thing in the world, eyes glowing and skin shining brighter with each labored breath of the boy, face blank if for the tears and the wideness of his eyes. He whispered something in Quenya she couldn’t quite understand, pressing his lips to his head with excruciating tenderness.

 

The grunt-and-whistle of the too-fast breaths didn’t quieten, but the boy relaxed a bit, face not scrunched up anymore.

 

Caranthir’s breaths took a labored quality to themselves, but he didn’t seem to pay any attention to that.

 

-Haleth.- he choked out after a long while, pale as ash in the face. – I...Should we name him?-

 

-Halpîn. He is Halpîn. A little warrior.- Haleth squeezed Moryo’s elbow. – Give him another name if you wish, but I...I would never have let our child die nameless.-

 

He looked at her then, silver eyes bloodshot, wide, glowing with an unearthly light. – That’s a good name.- he managed, voice shaky. – I think… Something with light. He is so bright, always was.-

 

-He is.- Haleth agreed, trying not to start weeping again.

 

-Calendo.- Caranthir decided after a moment, stumbling over the syllables. – Light-heart. Light-spirit. I am not going to name him a finwë. Calendo, he is Halpîn Calendo of Thargelion.- he paused, pressing another soft kiss to the head of his son, and caught Haleth’s hand, squeezing it softly, inhaling shakily.

 

– Hear me Eru, hear me Powers. – he began, with the air of a ritual, voice breaking halfway through. – Here I bring before you my firstborn son.- he closed his eyes, swallowing harshly. - I name him Calendo, for he is the light of my life.- he looked at Haleth, and she took a deep breath.

 

-I name him Halpîn, for he is a warrior.- she copied him, willing her voice not to waver.

 

Caranthir’s shoulders hitched with a sob, and nothing came when he opened his mouth, the rest of the ancient blessing to heavy to bear. He closed his mouth again, looking helplessly at the boy in his arms, that had opened his eyes a bit, the watery blue-gray of them unfocused, but valiantly staring at everything to the sprinting staccato of his breaths and heartbeat.

 

– I...Please, please, if anyone of you cares even a bit about us Children, do not take him away. Please. My Doom is mine to carry, so do not punish him for my deeds. Do not. Please.- Moryo begged instead, a desperate, pleading whisper as he cradled Calendo to his chest. – Please.-

 

Nothing happened, because nothing could happen, and the deafening silence punctuated with the rapid flutters of grunt-and-whistle rung in Haleth’s ears.

 

The Valar didn’t give a shit about the little tragedies of the world, and she knew that since the day she was born, but it still disappointed her, a small sting in an already open wound.

 

Caranthir just sobbed, a heart-wrenching sound, holding their son, their too-small, too-young, dying son, like a fragile figurine in the crook of his elbow as he leaned down against her to hide his face in her hair, letting her wrap an arm around their baby so both of them could hold him.

 

Haleth let herself weep, cradling the soft, delicate head of her baby in one hand where it rested on her husband’s elbow, committing to memory the way he leaned into the warmth of her skin, the hairy fuzz on his mostly-pointed, paper-thin ears, the tiny fingers that had found Moryo’s silk tunic and caught onto it with determination.

 

She was so glad he was not in pain anymore, that Caranthir had shielded him from it. She couldn’t have lived with herself if all her baby had known in life was pain.

 

~~~~

14th December 377 F.A., catacombs inside Mount Reír.

 

Caranthir had never wished to be burned in the case he died. He did not want to go as his father did, in a fiery blaze.

 

He had instead asked the Khazâd about their burial practices.

 

Mount Reír was made of hard, dark stone, but years of work by skilled craftsmen saw catacombs dug into the mountain, for those that, like him, didn’t want to go up in flames.

 

Caranthir had dug a parcel for himself on his own, three steps long, one step deep, one tall, like a shelf inside the deepest cavern, safe in the embrace of the mountain. Just in case, to be prepared, in the third year after the completion of the Fortress of Reír.

 

Now he was only numb as he gently placed the body of his son inside the tomb he had prepared for himself, wrapped securely in the blanket he had woven for him.

 

Caranthir was so, so cold since the little blaze had dimmed, sputtered, and gone out. Cold and numb, hands shaking constantly.

 

The ultimate breaking of that fragile little thing had thrown him into a seizure.

 

He was… It was good that Calendo had passed safely held in the arms of his mother. It was good, for he had fallen as he stood the second it happened, and had he been holding him...It was good it had been Haleth.

 

At least he had managed to hold him before, to give him a name. At least he had managed to keep him from feeling the splintering, burning pain of his lungs collapsing, no matter that he could still feel it in his own, a phantom pain that didn’t want to leave. He would sooner cut his tongue out than tell Haleth what he had felt while holding it at bay from their son.

 

She felt awful as it was. He had never seen her cry so bad as those past two days. He should be better, comfort her more but...

 

But Caranthir was just. Numb. Empty. The world was flying past his ears and he didn’t even notice.

 

He adjusted the corner of the blanket that had slipped free, a cruel mockery of tucking his child in for sleep.

 

This deep into the mountain the air was less cold than in the open where snow lay three feet deep, but still held a bite to itself. It was dark outside, the sun having already set, and his hands trembled slightly when he took of his signet to gently place it on the chest of the boy, the gold and ruby glittering in the light of the lamp they had brought to light their way.

 

He stepped back from the shelf, his son taking up barely a corner of the whole space.

 

Haleth leaned against him, breath misting the air, and she clicked the locks of her vambraces open, taking them off, leaving them lying on both sides of their child.

 

They were as long as he was.

 

Caranthir looked away.

 

- I wished to pass them on.- she whispered, a pointless explanation. He knew. How could he not? He gave his son his signet. He wanted to say that he understood.

 

-Do we...have anything else to give him?- he asked instead, putting an arm around her shoulders. She looked more frail without her vambraces, as frail as he had ever seen her be.

 

-I don’t. You?-

 

He inhaled slowly, thinking, and finally reached into the lantern, drawing out one of the three stones that powered it, soft white light spilling from between his fingers. He gently placed it above Calendo’s head, and then stepped back, drawing Haleth into a hug again.

 

They stood like that for a long moment, completely silent, and Caranthir could just feel cold and numb. Suddenly Haleth turned around, swallowing harshly, wiping away at her eyes. – Let’s go, love. There is nothing more for us to do here.-

 

He shook his head mutely, letting her go to reach to the far end of the much too big grave, grasping at the stone handle hidden there. He tugged at it, drawing it to himself with all of his strength, the mechanism letting the covering-stone roll easily in it’s groove, and with one last, final gritting of stone-on-stone the grave closed.

 

-Haleth?- he whispered quietly, drawing a chisel and hammer from the depths of his cloak. – Cirth or Tengwar.-

 

-Cirth. So that I can read it too.- she decided after a moment, the light around them dimmer for the one stone less. A fitting thing, Caranthir thought, getting to work. There was one light less between them, after all.

 

 

~~~~

16th December, 377 F.A., Fortress of Mount Reír.

 

 

Caranthir was roused from the blankness of his thoughts by somebody calling his name, and found himself sitting at his loom, fingers resting still and unmoving on the threads.

 

-Yes?- he blinked, trying to make sense of reality.

 

-My lord, your youngest brothers have arrived.- his chamberlain repeated softly, taking the hand he had on his shoulder away. – They wish to see you immediately.-

 

-What new disaster happened.- Caranthir whispered out, standing up. -Where are they?-

 

-Behind the door, my lord.-

 

-Let them in and return to your duties.- he nodded to him, and the servant with one last look of worry did as he was bid.

 

The Ambarussa flitted quickly into the room, moving with the eerie synchronization only they could achieve. -Moryo! You are alive!- Telvo sighed out when they reached him.

 

-And standing! Oh, that is good.- Pityo finished, looking him over.

 

-You gave us all quite the scare, -

 

-It felt like you were dying,-

 

-And we were the closest so we came first,-

 

-But Neylo and Káno are riding here too,-

 

-And Curvo and Tyleko and Tylepë.-

 

Caranthir closed his eyes, reaching out to clasp hands with his brothers. They were both a hand-span taller than him, for he was forever the shortest, and the time in Ossiriand made them both tan and wiry. Their twinned spirit reached out for his and recoiled back, both of them crying out with anguish at the same time. -Moryo!-

 

-I know.- he could only whisper, aware that his spirit was in a sorry state.

 

-What...happened?- Telvo asked and seemingly with the same breath Pityo picked up: - Can we hug you?-

 

-I...Yes, please.- Caranthir exhaled, feeling his legs start to shake. They were both so very warm, and bright, and blessedly alive.

 

They pressed up against him from both sides, clothes wet from the road, both of them furnace-hot and smelling of horse, and he buried his face in Pityo’s arm.

 

-Moryo, what happened?- Telvo asked again, anguished, gripping their brother-bond with all of his strength.

 

He opened his mouth, and closed it again. -I...-

 

They were so warm, so fiery and he was just...cold and numb.

 

The thin, crystal thing around his thoughts shattered into a million pieces, and the grief hit him like an avalanche, tearing his insides apart, burrowing deep into his bones, raking it’s claws through his heart like a rabid wolverine.

 

He inhaled once, twice, breath hiccuping, and broke down crying, desperate sobs shaking his shoulders. – He is dead, he is gone. – he choked out, hiding himself in Pityo’s shoulder, twisting his fingers into his furry cloak. – He is gone.-

 

His brothers held him tighter, both in body and in spirit. – Who, Moryo?- Telvo whispered, like he was scared of the answer.

 

He could only sob, air getting stuck in his throat, not wanting to go down, the phantom burn of Calendo’s lungs collapsing slowly making him shake all over. He tried to take in a deeper breath, wheezing awfully, tried to match his inhales to those of his brothers, but he couldn’t, feeling a thousand shards of glass in his chest.

 

Shaking his head he tried again, and again, until he could blink the spots back from his vision and hear himself wheeze in raspy breaths, until the primal panic of not being able to breathe didn’t subside into the raking phantom pain of feeling his son slowly die, until he could match his inhales to those of Pityo and draw in the slightly cold air of his craft-chamber.

 

-Moryo, shhh, Moryo you need to breathe, come on brother, in-and-out-in-and-out.- Telvo was speaking into his ear, him and Pityo holding him upright. – Yeah, like that, match Pityo, good. Now come on, let’s sit down.-

 

They guided him to the floor and sat there with him, holding him securely, letting him lean into their spirit and warm his own up.

 

-It...- he managed to choke out after his tears ran out and he stopped struggling to breathe, exhausted to the bone and wrung out. – Oh, Ambarussa, I get it now. I get it. -

 

-Get what, brother?- they asked as one, Telvo running his fingers through his hair gently, Pityo holding his hands.

 

-Why Ammë didn’t want to let you go.- he whispered, feeling himself shake. – I...-

 

-Moryo, what happened?- Pityo cut him off, squeezing his fingers, ripples of worry reverberating between them. -What...Who died?-

 

He closed his eyes, leaning back against Telvo, tired enough the grief couldn’t do anything more but pool around his heart like a frigid lake. -My son.-

 

-You...- Telvo startled, inhaling sharply. -When? Wait, no, how, what, Moryo?-

 

-You felt it when.- Caranthir swallowed, mouth dry. – He...He was born too early.-

 

-Oh.- both of them stilled, their arms tightening around him.

 

-He couldn’t breathe.- he swallowed again, the urge to have it out too strong for him. – Oh, Eru, he was so tiny he couldn’t even cry, and he...he was in so much pain. I cut him off from the pain, but I could feel it, oh, Ambarussa, he was so tiny.- he hid his mouth behind his hand, biting his fingers at the memory. – And he is gone.-

 

- Did you give him a name?- Pityo asked shakily, shuffling even closer to him.

 

-Halpîn Calendo.- Caranthir made himself say, throat tight. – He was smaller than you were when you were born. So tiny.-

 

-And...your spouse?- Telvo whispered after a second of hesitation, tracing the marriage braid in his hair.

 

-Haleth is hale, bless whoever is still watching over us.- he replied. – Oh, Eru, I have not told you I got married, have I?- he grimaced faintly, leaning into the warmth of Telvo’s fingers on his cheek. – I’m sorry.-

 

-But...how did the baby came early if...- Pityo swallowed, squeezing his fingers harder.

 

-Haleth is an Edain.- Caranthir shook his head. – They carry shorter. It...it was all my fault.-

 

-You...-Telvo made a complicated sound, before falling silent again. – I want to meet our sister in law.-

 

-She is packing to go back to the village.- he mumbled, half-asleep from the warmth of his brothers, before the sudden thought didn’t hit him. -Oh, Eru, Haldan!- he tried to lurch forward, but Ambarussa didn’t even need to strain to keep him sitting.

 

Caranthir closed his eyes, swallowing harshly. Haldan would be heartbroken. He remembered well how he had felt when Neylo had been gone, and…

 

Haldan didn’t deserve it. None of them did, but Haldan was the one child he still had, and he needed to...

 

-Moryo.- Telvo tugged at his ear, voice worried. – You need to inform us of things as they happen, all right? Who the fuck is Haldan, how scared should I be for my sister-in-law, and, well, honestly? I will leave the rest for Neylo to sort out when he arrives. Come on, let’s meet your wife and pack you to bed, you are exhausted, and like, it’s bad.-

 

Caranthir didn’t even have the energy to protest anymore.

 

~~~~

20th December 377 F.A., Thargelion.

 

 

Moryo’s brothers were a force of nature.

 

She was glad that they had somewhat sensed something bad happening and promptly piled up on Caranthir. He had suffered atrociously Halpîn’s death, and she had been scared for a good moment that he would die too. It was good to see him getting better thanks to, what she suspected, was his brothers doing the same to him that he had done for Halpîn, and feeding him energy.

 

There was enough of them for her to also get an...emotional support elf, she supposed. The blonde hunter, Tyleko, was her favorite. Very princely when he wanted to be, very simple and straight-forward when he felt it was better. He did not fear talking to her of what happened, even if he did at times twist his words in metaphors, she wasn’t sure for whose benefit.

 

The fussing was seemingly a family trait. She smiled in faint amusement. She didn’t need to be fussed about to this degree, but it calmed her down. She would recover. She always did.

 

There were plenty of people in her House that had suffered the same fate, she was hardly alone.

 

All in all, Haldan had taken the news well. He had ran out of the house and returned only after a few hours, and he crawled at night into her bed to make sure she was all right and not dying, but he wasn’t…

 

He wasn’t as broken as Moryo was.

 

Iron Hells, she wasn’t as broken as Moryo was. It hurt, oh, how it hurt, but with every day it was slightly easier to breathe through the grief and keep carrying on, even if she knew deep in her bones that thinking too hard about her son would make her cry even when she would be old and wrinkly.

 

But Moryo had...He had seen the little light of their baby since the very beginning, and to say he was lost now was to say nothing.

 

That was something only time could heal, and Haleth was grateful for the invasion of elves into her house, if only because she could pass Moryo to one of them and feel assured he would be all right, he would not break and start seizing as he had when…

 

That had been possibly the worst moment of her life. At least at the Stockade she could do something. There she was helpless.

 

There was something empty in her soul begging to be filled back again, and she acknowledged it with little fuss.

 

She wanted to try again. Not now, maybe in a few years, but she wanted a child. There was a baby-sized hole in her heart and she needed it filled.

 

Haldan was...he was like her son, but he wasn’t, and dammit, she wanted to try again.

 

But Moryo would need time. That she could give him, at least for now.

 

Haleth exhaled shakily, watching with damp eyes as her husband sat on the floor hugging Haldan tightly as they played some sort of strategy game against his eldest brother.

 

She would give herself that time too.

 

They both could use it.

Chapter End Notes

So. I think "I hope you enjoyed" is a bit of a misnomer here. I hope it made you feel something. I would really appreciate any comments, do not be afraid to scream and rage at me, I feed on your pain.

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