For The World’s More Full Of Weeping Than You Can Understand by LadySternchen  

“…droughts as a result of climate change further impair the ability of spruces to fend off the insects, as one of their most effective defences is the production of extensive amounts of resin, in which the beetles get trapped and suffocate. Whilst this method is in general sufficient to prevent mass reproduction and infestation of vast forest areas, the production of resin requires the tree to be sufficiently hydrated. Thus, the danger of significant damage from the Eurasian spruce bark beetle… Beleg!”

“Whoops! Sorry, Mablung.” Beleg laughed, stooping to pick up the pen he had just dropped.

The pen, furthermore, that he had been balancing on the tip of his nose rather than listening to Mablung re-reading aloud what they had already written. They were not at all making much progress.

“You know, I almost broke my record…”

“Impressive,” Mablung said, trying valiantly to keep the resignation out of his voice. “But I’d really rather like to get this finished before you disappear for the holidays tomorrow. I won’t be able to get a hold of you then, and that stuff’s due right at the start of the new term, remember?”

“Yeah well, and whose fault is that, then? Who insisted on us being the first to do our presentation? We could have had months for this.”

“Which means that we’ve done the biggest part already, and need not write this paper and do the presentation while we’re studying for all the other exams.”

Beleg sighed and looked at the books and handwritten notes that were littered across Mablung’s bed.

“I suppose you’re right. But it’s the first day of the holidays today, and we have almost a month to finish it, and it’s not like we don’t have this stuff three-quarters written already.”

Beleg looked pleadingly at him, but Mablung was not being swayed. He did not want to spend his holidays thinking about the only piece of uni work left unfinished. There was a reason why he had chosen to do all his exams on the first possible date.

“Or we finish it today, and then we can enjoy our break in peace without some nagging presentation on our minds.”

Beleg sighed resignedly again, to which Mablung grinned. He knew now that he was winning this argument.

“Alright, alright, I recognise defeat. Why do you always have to be so reasonable?”

“I’m being practical, not reasonable. Come on then. Back to our bork beetles.”

The next two hours passed with even Beleg working properly, so that by the time night started to fall outside, they had the paper ready to hand in. With a bit of luck, their writing would be approved without requiring too many corrections.

“Aaand sent.” Beleg said excitedly, dropping his tablet and letting himself fall backward onto the bed. “Brilliant.”

“See? I told you it would feel nice to have it over with.”

“I was not referring to the homework, but your nagging. But I suppose having this finished has its benefits, too. Best of which is, we can go and make dinner now. I’m starving.”

Mablung aimed a playful kick at Beleg but missed, as his friend had rolled off the bed before Mablung’s foot made contact with his thigh.

“So aren’t you going home for the holidays?” Beleg asked conversationally, crossing the room to turn on the light and acting as though nothing had happened.

“I am, but not until next week. Elu’s got an exam on the 8th…”

“… and you think he needs a distraction from studying?” Beleg chucked.

“I won’t distract him. But Mum still has a project for work to finish this week, and the twins won’t be home until next Saturday, either, because they’re on a skiing trip. So it works out.”

There was a rather knowing look on Beleg’s face, but Mablung didn’t mind. It was no secret that he and Elu only had this one year. The dorm only accommodated undergraduates, and unless Elu would do as he had not done in his life and fail his final exams, he would have to leave at the end of next term. Mablung knew he shouldn’t complain about it at all, they had been more than lucky to be put in the same room despite being in different years, and on different faculties, and even luckier that until now, nobody had noticed that they had never been just roommates.

As though their talking about him had somehow summoned him, a rattle of keys announced Elu’s return. Mablung felt his pulse quicken. He had daydreamed about this all day.

“Speak of the devil…” Beleg grinned, then called to Elu through the door “The door’s unlocked!”

“Yeah, I’ve noticed.” came Elu’s voice from the doorway.

A moment later, he had rid himself of his shoes and jacket and entered the room, smiling at them both.

“Hi Beleg,” he greeted their friend, before turning to Mablung. “I thought you might be out. Didn’t you finish your last course for today at noon?”

“You’d think every sensible student would use their first afternoon of the holidays to have fun, wouldn’t you? But no, Mablung made us both work.” Beleg grumbled. “Talk about finishing presentations for next term.”

“Well, technically, he’s not wrong. Holidays officially don’t start until tomorrow…”

Beleg snorted disgustedly.

“Trust you to side with that workaholic!”

Mablung laughed, and Elu tried to laugh, too, only to be overcome by a coughing fit. Mablung watched his boyfriend worriedly, noting only now how exhausted he looked.

“Are you ok?” he asked, once Elu had recovered somewhat.

“Been better, to be completely honest. But is it any wonder? Half the dorm is down with the flu, and the other half is incubating some other nasty germs. And I don’t need that a week before my Neolithics exam. I tell you, that’s the punishment for putting it off ‘til the last moment.”

“We don’t like ghastly germs, oh no, precious, we don’t!” Beleg hissed, in a very accurate imitation of Gollum, which again made them all laugh.

“You’ll be fine, don’t fret. You’ve got another week, and you must know it off by heart by now, seeing how much you’ve studied. And then it’s only a few courses for musics and writing your thesis and you may call yourself Bachelor of Arts.” he added in his normal voice.

“Only!”

There was a somewhat hysterical gleam to Elu’s grey eyes as he said it, and Mablung couldn’t exactly blame him. Not when he put so much pressure on himself, not when he thought his little brother’s future depended on his proving himself as a model student. There was no question about Elu getting any studying done tonight, however, for he coughed again, this time clutching his bedpost for support.

“That cough really doesn’t sound good. Tell you what, you lie down a bit, and I go and make you some tea. Beleg and I were headed for the kitchen anyway to make dinner.”

“That would be brilliant, Mablung, thanks.” Elu mumbled, slumping onto his bed and stretching out on the covers. “You’re my lifesaver, as always.”

“You’re pampering him, you know.” Beleg said under his breath, once they had put on their shoes and were on their way to the kitchen.

“Elu deserves to be pampered.” Mablung replied passionately. “After all he’s done for Elmo.”

“Yeah, you’re right there. Can’t deny it. How is Elmo, by the way? Elu seems to get over the separation a little now.”

“There’s a difference between getting over something and getting used to it. He buries himself in work because he somehow got it into his head that he needs to prove to social services that he’s a model student. That he’s responsible and dedicated enough, all that. I’m not so sure that’ll work, though, because his dedication was never in question. And all this fretting about marks doesn’t exactly help his mental health, which on the other hand was the reason they took Elmo off him in the first place.”

“Crap. Is he eating, at least?”

“If I make him, yes. If I don’t, no. And that’s the real problem, because social services will be far more concerned with his losing so much weight again than with his grades.” Mablung pinched the bridge of his nose. “That idiot of a doctor caused such a mess. Mum said she was probably just a bit too eager, or maybe they just had some training on not missing anorexic men, but how can anyone be so stupid? Honestly, if they can’t discern between anxiety and an eating disorder, they should not be doctors!”

There was no need for Mablung to elaborate on this any further, as Beleg had been there to watch firsthand as the whole drama unfolded. He had actually been there, at Mablung’s house, the night they had heard about their neighbours, Elu’s parents, being in a terrible car crash. Elu’s father had been killed instantly, and while his mother survived, it was with brain injuries so severe that they left her in a permanent vegetative state. With no family close by, that meant that Elu, who had turned eighteen mere weeks before the accident, had been left fighting for custody of his younger brothers. Well, Elmo, mostly, for given that Olwë had been seventeen already, his ability to live on his own had never been questioned. Little Elmo, however, had only been three years old then, and in desperate need of a proper caregiver. Elu had fought tooth and nail to be appointed just that, and in the end, social services had agreed to give it a try, under the condition that Elu would co-operate with them and not object to their keeping a close eye on him. A completely reasonable request in Mablung’s eyes, only Elu had interpreted it as them just waiting for him to make a mistake and prove them right, and therefore stressed over every detail of Elmo’s upbringing. 

Nonetheless, Elu had somehow managed to do his A-levels while keeping the house and looking after Elmo, had even managed the first year of uni with commuting back and forth, with the help of Olwë and also Mablung’s mother, who had sometimes cooked a week’s worth of meals for the brothers. Then, however, Olwë had been accepted to a naval engineering school, which meant moving country, and all of a sudden, Elu had faced the problem of having no one to care for Elmo during those times that he had uni in the evenings.

To this very day, Mablung found Olwë’s decision selfish. He liked Olwë a lot, and knew that this had been his dream forever, a dream moreover that his parents had saved for to fulfil, but still… he could never have left had it been him. But Elu, dutifully carrying out their parents’ supposed will, had even encouraged Olwë to go. He had not wanted to stand in his brother’s way, even if that meant jeopardising his own future.

Mablung had gladly stepped up then, and offered to babysit Elmo whenever Elu had no one else to look after him. Elmo really was a delight to be around, and moreover, it had been Mablung’s chance to be involved with Elu, at a time when he had thought that there was no way they could ever end up together. Even with that help, however, Elu had struggled, and the constant stress had soon taken its toll on him. He had lost a lot of weight in the course of a few months, being simply unable to get anything down at all for fear of losing his little brother, and then one fateful evening, his going off food had claimed its tribute and Elu had collapsed on his way home from uni.

Had this happened anywhere but the train station, it might still have turned out alright, as Elu had regained consciousness fairly quickly, but it had not been any other place. Other passengers had called an ambulance immediately, and the paramedics had insisted on taking Elu to hospital. He had been too drowsy to protest at first, and by the time the fluids he was given had started to have an effect, it was too late, and he was already on his way to hospital, and all pleading that he needed to get home to his little brother in vain. Mablung remembered Elu’s call as though it were yesterday, how tired and desperate he had sounded when he had told Mablung that he would not make it home in time. Mablung had agreed to take care of Elmo overnight without a second thought, really only bothered by the fact that Elu was in hospital.

Still, Elu’s collapse might not have had any dire consequences, had Elu not made three very fateful mistakes, the first of which was his insisting that he did not want to stay in hospital overnight. Not only had that turned the doctors and nurses against him instantly, it had also drawn even more attention to the fact that he was the sole caregiver of a little child.

The second mistake came when the doctor, already preparing the discharge against medical advice forms, had warned Elu that he was not only underweight but malnourished, and that if he kept going like this, he would risk significant damage to his heart, to which Elu had—truthfully, but not very prudently—replied that he just could not get any food down because of anxiety. He might have said anything, that he just had had the stomach flu or that he had always been slim, or anything of that sort, but not the truth. Only Elu being Elu, he had told the truth, which promptly made the doctor call in a consult with psychiatry.

Unsurprisingly, but again very unwisely, Elu had panicked, and when that person (Mablung tried his very best not to call the doctor from psychiatry an evil bitch) had hinted that she thought Elu mentally unstable and probably incapable of caring for a young child, Elu had made the third—and most fateful—mistake, and told the consultant that if she did anything that would cause Elmo to be taken from him, he would take his own life.

Mablung wanted to slap Elu for that statement even now. How could anyone, especially someone generally as intelligent as Elu was, be so stupid as to threaten suicide in front of a medical professional? What on earth had ailed him to say that? What troubled Mablung most, however, was the knowledge that Elu would probably have made true that threat, had he had the chance. And that was something Mablung did not even want to think about.

But he hadn’t got the chance, because the hospital had interpreted his outburst as him being suicidal and promptly put him in a psychiatric hold for forty-eight hours, in the course of which they diagnosed him with anorexia nervosa and contacted social services.

Mablung had no idea what of the events that had followed was the worst, social services showing up in the middle of the night to take a sleepy and very bewildered Elmo with them, or visiting an utterly heartbroken Elu the next day. That image haunted Mablung to this day, and was at least partly the reason why he was so eager to make Elu better now. He had looked so lost in that hospital bed, and courtesy of the heart monitor he had still been on much sicker than he had been in truth.

Mablung’s mother had moved heaven and earth to get Elu out of there as soon as possible, then made him an appointment with a proper specialist and insisted that Elu stay at their house until the dust had settled somewhat. In hindsight, Mablung wondered whether he had not been as good in hiding his feelings as he had thought he had been. He really should ask his mum that at some point.

Be that as it may, though, these days Elu had spent in Mablung’s room recovering also marked the beginning of their semi-secret relationship. He had held Elu for hours while Elu had cried and cried until he had had no tears left to spend, and then, without knowing what had ailed him, Mablung had taken the chance and confessed all his feelings to the man he had known ever since he could remember.

“Mablung!”

He jerked out of his daydreams, noticing only now that Beleg held the door to the kitchen open for him.

“Honestly, if you want to keep that relationship of yours a secret, you need to stop running around with little red hearts for eyes and zoning out whenever your sweetheart is mentioned.” Beleg added in a low hiss, making Mablung chuckle guiltily.

He really couldn’t contradict his best friend there. But nor could he come down from cloud nine, even after almost a year of being Elu’s boyfriend. Or indeed keep his thoughts from drifting back to the Elmo-problem, as he called it in his head.

The specialist had instantly reversed the initial diagnoses the hospital had made, and with that Elu had had a much better standing when facing social services a week later. He had been allowed to visit Elmo, at least, and prove to his brother that he was not gone like their parents, and hold him tight. Even Elu had had to agree in the end, though, that Elmo was better off with his foster family at the moment, until Elu had his degree. He was allowed to visit Elmo during the holidays and they talked on the phone every night, and in the meantime Elu had rented out the house to save some money. Living sufficiently far away from uni had secured Elu, Beleg and Mablung a place at one of the dorms, and by very lucky chance, Elu and Mablung had ended up sharing a room. What kind spirit had intervened there to enable this stroke of luck, Mablung had no idea, but he was grateful every single day nonetheless. To the outside world, they were just roommates, like they had been just neighbours at home. Nobody needed to know that one of the beds went unused.

“Mablung, you know I love you a lot, but unless you get a grip and pay attention, I’m going to murder you. I’m actually hungry!”

Mablung put on a hopefully convincing look of remorse, and focused at last on the task they had set themselves, which was to find something edible in either of their compartments in the fridge. Around them, other students were emptying their compartments, or else cooking dinner themselves. There was a definite start of holiday- excitement in the air.

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“Now we have… a half-empty cup of cream, about…” Beleg held the next jar up to the light and examined it from all directions “…let’s say four teaspoons of sour cream, an onion that has definitely seen better days, and… that’s it.”

The desperate expression on his best friend’s face looked so funny that Mablung actually laughed. Beleg was never desperate, ever. Unless he was hungry. Then he transformed into an oversized toddler.

“I think I have some pasta left.” Mablung suggested, pulling out his bin from the storage cupboard and holding out the package to his friend.

Beleg snorted in disgust, and Mablung couldn’t quite blame him. None of this sounded like it would actually make for a nice meal, and his stomach, too, was rumbling after a long day of academic work.

Their salvation came, thankfully, in the form of their fellow first-year student Michiko. Mablung liked her a lot, and truly admired her determination to study so far away from home.

“I have some frozen peas and Parmesan cheese to spare, if you like. Oh, and a handful of shiitake mushrooms. I just couldn’t use them today, and my flight leaves at 8 o’clock tomorrow. So you’re free to have them, if you like.”

Mablung and Beleg beamed at her. With pasta and cheese, they’d have a meal, and with a bit of imagination, they’d certainly manage to make something with the rest as well.

“Are you sure? Both won’t exactly go bad in a month.”

“No, they’ll just get pushed to the very back and then go bad.” Michiko laughed. “Have them, really. So all is clean before I leave.”

“Thanks a lot, that really is so kind. Are you excited to go home?”

“Oh yes. I’ve already downloaded an entire series to my tablet so I can watch during the flight.”

That sounded like a plan to Mablung, though he still pitied her for having to sit on a plane for over ten hours.

“Did you get a direct flight?”

“Yes.” Michiko clapped her hands enthusiastically. “I did. With the minor drawback of then having to travel on for some hours from Narita. Osaka would be much more convenient for my parents’ house, but I’d still rather change trains than planes.”

After wishing her a pleasant flight, Mablung and Beleg got to work in earnest. They ended up making a pasta sauce out of all the ingredients they had, and the result smelled surprisingly delicious. They ladled it out into three bowls, then—after cleaning the pot because Mablung insisted on not leaving the dishes till later and Beleg grumbling about how he and Elu would be the most insufferably pernickety couple ever—took it back to Mablung and Elu’s room, together with the cup of tea Mablung had promised Elu earlier.

“Can you open the door? We’ve got our hands full!” Beleg called with his head against the door, while softly knocking on it with his foot.

They waited for Elu to answer, but the door remained closed, and they couldn’t hear a thing from the room within. Beleg kicked the door with his shoe once more, but there was still no reaction. Mablung felt unease creeping up from his insides, tightening his throat, and his emotions must have shown on his face, because Beleg rolled his eyes at him.

“No, you don’t put the bowls down to get your key. Elu!” he shouted the last word, and gave the door another forceful kick. “Open the door, we’ve got our hands full!”

There was a shuffling noise from inside, and Elu’s muffled voice.

“Just a mo!”

It really was only a moment before the door was opened, and there Elu stood, looking utterly dishevelled.

“I’m sorry. I fell asleep.” he mumbled apologetically.

Beleg gave Mablung a rather knowing look, one that made Mablung blush a little. He himself could not explain why his thoughts always jumped to the worst possible scenarios where Elu was concerned. He considered himself neither an especially optimistic person nor an especially pessimistic one, and was certainly nobody to lose his head easily in a crisis. It was really only his boyfriend he was constantly worried about. There was just something… frail about Elu, something delicate, something that no one else saw. And unlike Mablung himself, Elu had nobody to protect him, nobody to stand up for him, nobody to care for him, when he had proven already that he was not capable of caring for himself. So Mablung had taken that role upon himself, and would carry it out as long as he lived. Beleg would call that cheesy, surely, but Mablung knew that he would never love anyone else the same way he loved Elu. He was his one and only. Only maybe he would have to find a more balanced way of caring for his boyfriend, one that could do without over-dramatising every situation.

“That smells good.” Elu smiled, once they had handed him his bowl of pasta and his tea. “I’m really not hungry, but…”

“…but you’re going to eat this anyway because you need sustenance, or you won’t be fit in time for your exams.” Beleg finished the sentence for him.

Mablung chuckled. That was how getting Elu to eat was done, and it considerably warmed his heart to know that Beleg was in on the job, too.

“So, what are you planning for the holidays, Elu? After your exam, obviously.” Beleg asked again conversationally, after they had finished eating and Elu sat sipping his cup of tea.

“Olwë is coming home for a few days just after my exam, and we’re going to visit Mum at the nursing home. After that, Elmo’s foster parents invited me for two weeks. I can’t wait to see him.”

The longing in his boyfriend’s voice made Mablung edge a little closer to him for comfort.

“That’s really good of them. I’m glad they are so supportive.”

“Yeah. I sometimes wonder if I’m being selfish for wanting Elmo back. He has a proper family there, a mum and dad and siblings. A normal life.”

Had Elu not held a mug of hot tea in his hand, Mablung would probably have hit him over the head.

“Idiot! They can be the best parents ever, that still wouldn’t change the fact that Elmo wants you, and no one but you. You know that!”

“I know,” Elu sighed. “But kids will want a lot of things that aren’t the best for them.”

“You are the best for Elmo. Even social services noted how well cared for he was. Will you call him later, by the way?”

Elu shook his head, a smile spreading over his face.

“He called me just after you two left. They just had dinner, and he noticed he’s got his first wobbly tooth, which he needed to tell me at once.”

“Naturally.” Beleg laughed. “See? That’s exactly what I mean. He loves you so much.“

“Mhm, I know.” Elu hummed, and laid his head on Mablung’s shoulder.

“Oh boy, you’re burning up. Have you taken your temperature?”

“No. I don’t have a thermometer.”

Mablung snorted in disgust. When he had left for university, his mum had insisted on him taking a bag of medical essentials— thermometer, bandaids, antiseptics, saline vials, that sort of thing— and he was sure that Elu would have done the same thing when Olwë had left, and would do it again when it was Elmo’s turn to leave home. But he couldn’t look after himself. Or wouldn’t.

“I do. Wait a moment. It’s an old-fashioned one, though, not one of the fancy no-touch things.”

“They’re unreliable when you have a higher fever, anyway.” Beleg chimed in, while Elu groaned.

Ignoring both his friends, Mablung got up from the bed to head to his drawer, where he kept his little first-aid box. There was a blister of Aspirins and some VapoRub in there as well, Mablung noted with satisfaction. So he had something to give Elu should he get worse overnight.

“Here you go.” he said, handing the thermometer over to Elu, who opened his mouth obediently.

“Nice try. Nah, there’s only one place to properly take one’s temperature, as you know perfectly well. Go on, take your jeans off and lie down.”

The look Elu gave Mablung was one of mingled indignation and embarrassment, but Mablung was unfazed. More so since Elu looked very cute when he blushed like that.

“I most certainly won’t.” Elu protested, his ears and neck still bright red.

“Oh, come on, Elu, don’t be such a baby. It’s not like Mablung doesn’t shove other things up your arse, and you love every moment of it.”

“BELEG!”

Mablung and Elu had shouted in unison, which, far from leaving an impression on Beleg, had him doubled over with laughter. He was not wrong, though. The throbbing in Mablung’s groin at the very thought was proof enough for that.

“What?” Beleg asked innocently, once he could talk again. “I’ll leave you two to it, though. I need to pack and then get some sleep. Get well soon, Elu, and good luck with your exam. See you on March 1st at the latest. Shall I turn off the light on my way out?”

“Yes, please.” Elu answered, apparently choosing not to hear Beleg’s suggestive tone. “My head is killing me just now, and there’s enough light coming in through the window as it is.”

They both hugged Beleg, then Elu let himself sink back into the bed with a sigh, and Mablung, deciding that the dirty plates could wait a little, lay down beside him.

“This is nice.” Elu sighed contently, snuggling into Mablung’s arms.

“Mhm” Mablung hummed his assent “But I still need to take your temperature. Or you do it yourself.”

Elu merely grumbled, but unbuttoned his jeans nonetheless and wriggled out of them, leaving Mablung to pull down his pants a little. This was vengeance, Mablung was well aware, but he found it to be foul play, anyway. Undressing his boyfriend without being allowed to make out was cruel.

“Be over in a moment.” he assured Elu anyway, his indignation melting as he felt Elu shiver.

“How high?” Elu asked, once the thermometer beeped.

“39.6.”

“Wonderful.” Elu replied, very sarcastically.

Mablung chuckled as he wiped the thermometer with a disinfectant wipe, but as he made to get up to put it all back, Elu held him back.

“Stay with me, please. I need you close just now.”

“I still need to clean up, though.”

“Please?”

It was not like Mablung needed a lot of persuasion. The dishes would sadly go nowhere, and he had longed for this the whole day. Recognising defeat, therefore, Mablung snuggled himself more comfortably against Elu, who put one of his legs across Mablung’s.

“One thing’s for certain, I won’t need a hot water bottle tonight.” Mablung joked.

Elu did not answer, only hummed, and pressed his face harder into the crook of Mablung’s arm.

“I’ve got a problem.” he muttered after a while, his voice muffled since he had his mouth and nose pressed against Mablung’s sweater.

“What problem?”

Perhaps feeling the need to actually breathe, Elu lifted his face a little.

“It’s all Beleg’s fault, him with his stupid joke about the thermometer, and the stupid thermometer itself.”

Mablung felt his grin widen with every word Elu said. Surely, surely he couldn’t be serious? Not Elu who next to never initiated actual sex?

“Are you serious?” he chuckled.

“No.” Elu groaned. “I want to sleep. But my cock is dead serious.”

As though to prove his statement, Elu took Mablung’s hand and guided it down between them, until it came to rest over the bulge in his pants. Mablung’s heart rate quickened as he felt his boyfriend’s erection through the thin fabric, felt Elu’s cock strain against his palm.

“Yes, that counts as serious.” he teased as Elu moaned softly. “And I would lie if I claimed that mine wasn’t.”

He had hoped for sex tonight, but had quickly banished that thought from his mind when Elu had come home sick. As it was, he would surely not fuck Elu when his boyfriend was this feverish, but he could still take care of him, and that was quite as good. Only when he resumed his ministrations, Elu held him back.

“Don’t. I want you in me. I need your cock up my arse, not just that fucking thermometer.”

“Are you sure? You’re really not well…”

“I don’t care. Please, Mablung.”

Denying Elu anything he asked for was not Mablung’s strength to begin with, and denying him something he himself wanted so badly even less. Add Elu’s pleading puppy-eyed look to it, and Mablung’s resolution to not over-exert Elu crumbled into nothingness. He was out of his own trousers and pants in no time, then rid Elu of his pants for good. Once their shirts and jumpers had followed, he reached for the lube they kept in their (well, Elu’s, strictly speaking) bedside drawer. His own cock throbbed as he gently nudged Elu’s legs apart and started to prepare him, massaging him gently, then slipped one finger inside his boyfriend.

To give Elu time to accustom himself to the sensation, Mablung kissed his way up his stomach until he could play with the piercing Elu wore on his right nipple. He tucked at the small ring with his lips, just enough to make Elu gasp and his cock twitch. Mablung’s own cock was fully hard now, not least because every time he touched that piercing, he remembered Elu having it done. Was that saying something about him, Mablung wondered as he let his tongue play with the metal, that despite his always worrying about Elu, the memory of his boyfriend lying on that bed and getting a quite painful procedure done never failed to get him hard?

He had no time for any more musings, for Elu shifted a little, and gently forced Mablung to look up.

“Come on. I won’t last two seconds anyway, but I need to feel you inside me when I come.”

Mablung complied, raising himself on his knees before Elu, allowing him to take care of properly lubricating his cock. The touch of Elu’s long, slender fingers made his entire body prickle, and he was almost sorry that he could not let Elu go on for long. At least not if he wanted to spill within him rather than all over him. It seemed that neither of them would take long tonight, needy as they both were.

“Turn on your side.” he whispered breathlessly, with a gentle slap to Elu’s thigh.

It was what worked best for them in this rather confined space, and Mablung loved being able to watch Elu like this, to be able to touch him everywhere, even if that came with the drawback of being on his knees.

“Oh my…” he moaned, when he was finally sheathed completely in his boyfriend and felt the maddening tightness that greeted him.

Elu hissed, his fist clenched in desire and pain in equal measure. Mablung placed his hand on Elu’s stomach, then let it slide to his cock, making Elu suck the air in sharply.

Hell, yes. He loved nothing more than seeing his boyfriend in the throes of pleasure. It gave him such a deep sense of satisfaction to reduce quiet, reserved Elu to a frantically panting mess.

Moving his hand over the length of Elu’s cock and down to his balls, then slowly started to thrust, just minor movements so as not to overwhelm Elu, and not come at once.

“Yes. God, yes. Oh Mablung…”

But then Elu coughed, his convulsive movements sending jolts through Mablung’s cock.

“Shhh. Easy. Breathe.”

But try as he might, even biting down on his knuckles, Elu could not manage to control his coughing, so Mablung quickly pulled out of him. Elu whimpered, either at the sudden feeling of emptiness or the frustration about the situation, a sentiment Mablung could very well relate to, but they really had no choice. Elu tried to sit up, and Mablung quickly supported him, rubbing his back until the coughing fit had subsided.

“I don’t think…” Elu wheezed “…that I can lie flat long… enough.”

He coughed again.

“Damn cold.”

Mablung pulled Elu into his arms, soothingly stroking his hair out of his face that came loose from its bun now.

“Hey, it doesn’t matter, don’t worry. And I really think this is more than just a cold.”

“Yes, it does matter.” Elu said indignantly, ignoring the second part of what Mablung had said “I know you’ve been looking forward to this the whole week.”

Elu sounded close to tears, which told Mablung that really, they shouldn’t talk about sex just now, but about getting him settled in bed as soon as possible. He coughed again, leaning against the wall as soon as the coughing ceased, his hair sticking to his sweaty forehead. Guilt gnawed at Mablung. He should never have consented to this in the first place. Still, when Elu managed to open his eyes again and focus his glassy gaze at Mablung, it was full of stubborn determination.

“And before you say anything, before you even think of beating yourself up because you over-exerted me or something like this— I have been looking forward to it, too. I might have been fine with cuddling, but since you insisted on sticking stuff in me, I want the nice stuff, too.”

“We may have to recognise defeat on that one.” Mablung said softly, taking to  consolingly rubbing Elu’s back again when the next coughing fit shook him. “There’s no way you can comfortably lie down, and no offence meant, but I don’t think you have the strength to top tonight, either.”

He was grinning despite his words, though. Elu’s determination was beyond adorable, and moreover hilarious. It really was a mark of the depth of their relationship that Elu reluctantly grinned back.

“Yeah, I’ll give you that one. But you know, I don’t need much strength sitting like this…”

He pulled Mablung over, and Mablung didn’t resist the pressure. His cock was still semi-hard, despite their less-than-sexy conversation, and one look at his boyfriend told him that Elu was not faring any differently.

“Come on my lap.” Elu breathed in Mablung’s ear between little nibs. “Even if I can’t have you inside me tonight, you can have me. Which is just as good.”

A rush of desire spread through Mablung’s body at Elu’s words, and he moaned before he sought Elu’s lips in response. It was the first real, deep kiss they had shared this evening, and just now, Mablung didn’t even care that if by some miracle he had until now avoided catching what Elu had, now he most certainly wouldn’t. Who would care, really?

“I promise you,” Mablung whispered breathlessly once they broke apart, “we’ll repeat this once you’re well again, and then I’m gonna fuck you so good that you’ll call the wait worthwhile.”

“You always fuck me so good,” Elu mumbled, kissing the side of Mablung’s neck. “Have I ever told you how beautiful you are?”

Mablung chuckled, complying by climbing over Elu’s folded legs and lowering himself onto his cock, but only enough to tease his boyfriend, still bearing his own weight on his knees.

“You may have told me once or twice.”

That, of course, was a major understatement. Elu never failed to tell him, and Mablung knew himself that he was not uncomely to look at. They were a handsome couple as it was, though in Mablung’s eyes, it would always be Elu who was the true beauty of the two of them, with his delicate features, light grey eyes, and hair that fell below his waist. He truly looked, and ever had done, like a fairy prince, and Mablung loved every inch of that long, lanky frame with every fibre of his heart.

Mablung did not tell Elu that, lest it went to his head, but instead parted his lips once more with his tongue, burying his fingers in Elu’s hair.

“I think you need to turn around.” Elu panted against Mablung’s lips, his cock straining against his thigh. “I don’t think we’ll manage that angle.”

Mablung groaned in protest, longing for Elu to finally fill him, but there was too much truth in Elu’s words to be ignored. And he really, really didn’t want to waste the cough-free time Elu had before the next fit with acrobatics.

“I hate not being able to look at you,” he complained nonetheless, turning around awkwardly and sitting down again.

“I know,” Elu hummed, helping Mablung to adjust his body. “But this has its merits, too.”

“Like what?” Mablung huffed.

“Like this.”

Elu tenderly stroked Mablung’s hair to one side and bent to suckle the sensitive skin of his neck again, a sensation that made Mablung’s cock jump.

“Mmmmm. You… oh, fuck, don’t stop… you could have done that with me sitting the other way round, though.”

Elu chuckled hoarsely.

“Maybe. But not this…”

He wrapped his right arm around Mablung’s torso and started drawing circles around Mablung’s nipple, a feeling that drove Mablung even further to the edge than Elu kissing his neck. Goosebumps erupted all over Mablung’s skin when Elu next reached down as well, taking Mablung’s neglected cock in hand.

“Fuuuuck.”

“Alright. Your wish is my command.”

Elu let go of Mablung’s cock for a moment, and by the squelching noise that followed, Mablung knew that Elu had squeezed some lube onto his fingers. Next second, these fingers were spreading his buttocks and teasing his hole, making Mablung moan helplessly. He knew it wasn’t prudent to urge Elu to skip this and delve right in, knew that he would regret it instantly if he told his boyfriend so, but he whined impatiently nonetheless.

“Now, don’t be so hasty, Master Mablung.”

They both laughed, because this just never got old.

“I’m not being hasty. But if you don’t hurry up, I’m gonna spill untouched.”

Thankfully, Elu finally had mercy on him and gripped his hips to guide him down onto his cock. For a moment, the familiar overwhelming feeling of being stretched made Mablung tense, then he relaxed, allowing Elu to sink into him fully. He was far too ready to be overwhelmed for long, and Elu’s sharp inhale was enough to send another wave of desire through him, anyway. For a moment they stayed unmoving, then Mablung started to rock his hip, and Elu once more took to caressing Mablung’s cock. And holy crap, he knew what he was doing alright.

Mablung felt his legs tremble as he came ever closer to his climax, far too soon for his liking. He wanted to keep going like this forever. Panting, he laid his head back on Elu’s shoulder, allowing him to take over the lead and determine the rhythm of their lovemaking.

“Oh. Oh, Elu…”

All became a whirl of colour to Mablung as his orgasm rushed over him, and before he had fully ridden it out, he felt a sharp pain on his neck that told him that Elu had bitten down on his skin when his desire overwhelmed him. Mablung moaned, partly because of the pain, partly because feeling Elu spill within him was such a beautiful sensation, causing Elu to let go and chuckle apologetically. Mablung didn’t mind in the slightest, though, quite the contrary. He loved to get Elu to a point where he lost control, where no amount of self-restraint stood between them, where he could make his boyfriend forget all that he believed himself to be.

“That was good,” he panted, when they finally lay collapsed in each other’s arms, their bodies still sweaty.

“Yeah.”

Elu’s voice was barely a whisper, and now that he came down from the adrenaline rush, Mablung could feel him shiver.

“Are you cold?”

There was no answer, but Mablung carefully pulled Elu’s blanket over them nonetheless. “Thanks.” Elu mumbled sleepily, opening his eyes by a fraction and wrapping his arm around Mablung’s torso. “Do you know how much I love you?”

He was gone for good before Mablung had the chance to reply, but that did nothing to lessen the warm glow that had ignited in Mablung’s chest, and was spreading through his whole body at those words. He kissed Elu’s burning temple softly, then replied in a whisper, even though he knew that Elu could not hear him:

“Yeah, I guess I do.”

It was very comfortable lying like this, with Elu as his living hot-water bottle, and listening to the sounds of the dorm around them. There was chatter, laughter, suitcases being dragged, doors closing. The smell of instant ramen drifted through the crack beneath the door. Mablung could see the lights gleaming in the other wings of the dorm, showing that roughly half of the rooms were still occupied. He wondered if anyone would guess, when looking at their dark window from outside, that they were not on their way home already but lay snuggled in a shared bed, having just had great sex. Well, maybe their neighbours knew, for as quiet as they made themselves be, the creaking of the worn springs would still tell the tale. Be it. This was university, after all. Where, if not here, would there be understanding? He trusted that no one would actually tell the tale to dorm management. Just in this moment, he could not be happier.

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Mablung was woken once again by Elu beside him coughing, a sound that hurt Mablung’s lungs merely from listening. He reached out sleepily, stroking his boyfriend soothingly until he lay still again.

“We fell asleep, I think,” Mablung remarked rather unnecessarily.

Elu did not respond, his breathing sounding horrible, and Mablung could only imagine how miserable he must feel. He reached for his phone to check the time. It was twenty minutes to midnight. They had slept for hours.

“Elu,” he tried again, “Are you alright? Is there anything I can do for you?”

This time, Elu opened his eyes a little, only to be overcome by coughing a moment later. He seemed barely conscious.

“Alright, that’s enough. Sit up.”

And when Elu did not respond immediately, Mablung reached for his arm and physically pulled him upright. Elu swayed a little bit, then gradually managed to gain his balance despite his ongoing coughing. Mablung took advantage of that, got up from the bed, and opened the window wide. The air was crisp and cold and smelled of snow, a scent Mablung had loved since childhood, and he found himself breathing deeply before heading back to his boyfriend, nurse-mode now full on.

“Try to take slow, deep breaths,” he said in a low voice, taking up the stroking Elu’s back again. “And once you feel ready, I’ll give you a little of your tea. It’s gonna be cold by now, but drinking will still help.”

It took Elu a solid ten minutes to achieve all that Mablung had asked of him, and Mablung held him the entire time, drawing a blanket around them both so they would not get cold.

“You know, I was wondering… does taking a shower sound good to you? I know it means moving, but I really think the steam would help you breathe. And as it’s almost midnight, we’ll have plenty of hot water and, even more exciting, actual water pressure.”

It was quite a relief to see Elu nod, even more so when his remark about the ageing dorm’s abysmal water pressure actually drew a small smile from Elu.

There was nothing nice about the dorm shower with its greyish-brown tiles and mouldy corners, but to Mablung, sitting crammed into the small cubicle and letting the hot water run over himself and Elu, it was the most wonderful place in the world. The tiny room filled quickly with steam, which, as Mablung had predicted, significantly eased Elu’s breathing. Whenever he coughed now, it sounded much easier on his chest, which Mablung noted with satisfaction. Then, being overcome with a sudden sense of recklessness, he reached for the soap and gently started to rub it over Elu’s back, very unsure if they were at that stage of their relationship yet. Elu smiled and closed his eyes contentedly.

“That’s nice,” he sighed, shifting slightly to allow Mablung access to every bit of his body.

“Yeah, it is.”

Did his voice need to hitch like that now? But either Elu didn’t notice, or he did not care, which felt rather reassuring. This was about the most intimate moment they had ever shared. Sex was one thing, but this raw, familiar intimacy was something else, proof of how deeply Elu trusted him. He hesitated only for a second before proceeding to reach between Elu’s legs as well, searching his gaze for consent. Elu no longer smiled but looked at Mablung in a way he could not quite place, though he knew him enough to know that there was some heavy emotion behind this look.

“Are you fine with me doing this?”

“Yes,” Elu breathed. “I am.”

Once he was finished, Mablung helped Elu to his feet so that he could rinse off properly, fully aware that slippery as his boyfriend was just now, he would not be able to hold him should he get dizzy. Elu seemed fine though, rubbing the soap off his skin. Then, when Mablung made to wash himself, Elu grabbed him by the arm and gently stayed his motion.

“Let me do that.”

Goosebumps erupted all over Mablung’s body, and he leaned into Elu’s touch readily, even as his reason protested.

“That’s not what this was meant to be. I just wanted to help you.”

Elu hummed, drawing circles on Mablung’s back, then gently going down to his buttocks.

“I know. But I want to do it back.”

With his free hand, Elu tilted Mablung’s face upwards, and brushed his lips with his. Mablung answered the kiss eagerly, suckling at Elu’s bottom lip as Elu reached between them to soap Mablung’s front as well, and promptly felt his cock react to the touch. It was not enough to make him hard, not outright, but he still shuddered as Elu touched him there a moment later.

“I’ve never felt so… close to you.” he whispered, feeling almost weepy when Elu nodded and tightened his embrace. “I don’t want this to be over, ever.”

That, however, was out of the question. As it was, they would likely only avoid being scolded for their water use because it was the first night of the holidays and so many other students had already left, and Mablung really felt no desire to push their luck. Especially since the dorm did not allow for open romance between roommates, and they’d be hard-pressed to explain why two guys needed that much water. They reluctantly stepped out of the shower, therefore, and got themselves ready for bed. It was a pity that Elu was as poorly as he was, Mablung mused, as he watched Elu undo his bun and shake his hair out so that it spilled over his shoulders and back, for he would not have said no to a second round, but that really was out of the question. Instead, he merely insisted on rubbing some of the Vaporup on Elu’s chest in the most sensual way possible, before they hurried back to their bed, both shivering in the cold room.

Airing the room thoroughly had nevertheless been a good idea. It smelled quite nice now, and, Mablung mused, snuggled once again under the blanket with Elu, he would not be cold for long, though Elu admittedly was not burning up as much anymore as he had done. The shower seemed to have done him some good.

“We won’t be able to sleep now, will we?” Elu mumbled, his head resting on his arms. “After we slept for so long? I’m so tired, but I just know I won’t sleep.”

Mablung grinned. He, too, felt wide awake, and had already resigned himself to lying awake for a couple of hours.

“Then we’ll just lie here and cuddle, and talk if you want and feel up to it. You mark my words, you’ll be asleep faster than you think.”

Elu chuckled a little.

“Talk about all the awkward things one normally never mentions? Like our own little edition of ‘things you really should know about your boyfriend but don’t dare ask’? Oh yes, please.”

“You really are feeling better, aren’t you? Good. Ok, then since I’ve played your private nurse, I’ll go first. What was your favourite subject in school, and do you know mine?”

“Mmm, that’s tough. I can’t decide. Yours is easy, though; you were always a science genius. I sorta liked everything. Apart from French. Urgh, I hated French. But my favourite… I’d say musical education, but I didn’t get along too well with my ME teacher. He was big on Wagner, and little else. And I kept asking him about ancient music. He was not impressed.”

Mablung laughed. Yes, that sounded like Elu alright.

“Yeah, I remember him. His Wagner obsession was quite famous. I felt lucky I had a different teacher.”

“Ok, my turn. Did you have a comfort toy when you were a baby, and what was mine if I had one?”

“Oh my God. Yeah, I’ve had one, and you’ve met him, too. His name is Teddy, though he’s either a dog or a rabbit, and he sits behind my bed back at home.”

“Awwww.”

“I don’t know about you, though.”

Somehow, he could not imagine Elu cuddling a teddy bear. He had always seemed so grown up, even when they had been children.

“I had a comfort blanket. And you know it, too, only you didn’t know it once belonged to me.”

“Uuuhh, Elmo’s blankie?”

Elu nodded, and smiled softly.

“Yeah. He wouldn’t take anything else, and I figured that I was old enough to pass it on, anyway.”

“I’m never going to grow too old for Teddy. Only he’s growing too old and frail to carry around, or he’d be with us here now.” Mablung protested indignantly.

“I wouldn’t have thrown it out, either. But Elmo loved it, and I’m quite ok with it being used on. Mum was so glad because he would settle down much better with it. And now, of course, he has something to remember me by.”

The silence that followed weighed heavily. Elu’s voice had quavered ever so slightly on the last sentence, and even Mablung felt quite sad. Elmo had clutched that faded blue blanket with its yellow stars and moons so tightly that night when the social worker had carried him to her car, and had Mablung known that this was actually his big brother’s, he would probably have cried himself.

“Right, next one,” he said, steering the conversation away from Elmo. “Have you always been aware that you were gay?”

“No, actually. For the longest time, I thought I’d have a wife and kids like my parents. Or I wanted to, anyway. But I realised quickly that I was not attracted to girls in any way, not sexually. But I didn’t fancy guys, either, so I didn’t think too much about it. Being straight was what I’d grown up with.” Elu suddenly laughed. “When I was smaller, I used to dream about a fairy queen taking me away. You know, like in the song.”

He sang the verses softly instead of just reciting, something Mablung would not have thought him capable of in his current state.

“Come away, O human child!

To the waters and the wild

With a faery, hand in hand,

For the world’s more full of weeping

Than you can understand.”

“That’s actually a poem by Yeats.” Mablung remarked, glossing over how touched he was by hearing Elu sing.

“I know. But I love Loreena McKennitt’s interpretation of it. But you see what I mean? I did everything to imagine living in a relationship, as long as it was not with a real person I had to feel attracted to.”

“Are you asexual?” Mablung asked, trying to keep his tone conversational. This was a very intimate subject after all.

“Can’t be, can I?” Elu mumbled, a red tinge appearing on his cheeks that did not stem from the fever. “As I’m very much in love with you.”

“And I didn’t say aromantic, now, did I? But it’s a spectrum, it’s totally normal for some asexual people to feel sexually attracted to their partner, but no one else, or else feel a sex drive only under very specific circumstances. Do your research over the holidays, and see if you find yourself in it.”

“How come you know so much about it?” Elu asked, sounding awed.

“Because the Aro-Ace community is part of the wider LGBTQ+-movement,” he stated simply.

“Have you always known, then?”

“Yeah. I’ve known I was into boys before I even knew there was such a thing.”

Elu smiled gently, then, continuing their little game, asked:

“Who was your first crush?”

This time it was Mablung’s turn to blush.

“A boy from my class, actually. And he later turned out to be such an arsehole. But I, uh, had a few of those.”

“Yeah, ok, youthful misjudgements notwithstanding, who was your first real crush?”

That was a much tougher question to answer for Mablung than Elu could be aware of.

“Can’t answer that. You, probably. Or Beleg, I really don’t know. But I never really had a crush on Beleg, he was more like my best friend with… benefits. We had a lot of fun together, though, and these memories still are a huge part of our bond.”

Only after he had said it, Mablung realised how bad it had sounded, like he was trying to make Elu jealous on purpose. Luckily, his boyfriend didn’t seem to take it like that at all.

“That explains a lot,” he chuckled. “But… are you saying you’ve been in love with me for ages and I moron had no clue?”

“Yeah. But hey, you had so much going on, I really don’t blame you. So when did you notice? Because you knew already when I told you, didn’t you?”

“I… actually I didn’t. Or not consciously. I just felt so safe with you in that bed. I hadn’t slept at all in hospital, and only wondered how exactly to do it. But then-“

“Do what?” Mablung interrupted Elu suspiciously.

He knew at heart, anyway, but he was not sure he was really prepared to let that go without scolding his boyfriend properly.

“How to best commit suicide,” Elu answered evenly. “I was totally prepared to head back to the station as soon as they discharged me, and just step in front of a passing train. Selfish as fuck, of course, traumatising the train driver.”

Hearing this hurt so much that Mablung couldn’t even bring himself to answer. And maybe his feelings showed on his face, because Elu put an arm around him and squeezed him firmly.

“But then you turned up with your mum, and you cared for me. You pulled the curtains so I didn’t have to see outside to our house, and let me cry in your bed, and held me. And I thought… I thought that I hadn’t felt this safe anywhere since the accident. You saved me, Mablung, in so many ways. It felt so right. And when you confessed, well… my body reacted before I had wrapped my head around what you’d said. And every day since, I wonder how I could not have realised sooner that you’re my person. I love you so, so much.”

Mablung didn’t care to answer with words to that, but only leaned over to kiss Elu deeply once again. How long it took them to resurface again, he had no idea.

“I want to spend the rest of my life with you,” Elu continued, as though there had been no interruption. “I never, ever want to be parted from you again. We need to find a solution for once I’ve graduated, we really do, because I don’t want to miss even a moment of our life together.”

“Are you asking me to marry you just now?” Mablung joked, then realised what he had said and instantly wanted to dissolve out of shame.

What was the matter with him tonight?

To his surprise, Elu did not seem affronted or even surprised by the question at all.

“Not yet” he said calmly, not meeting Mablung’s eye. “But I will. Not in this dorm, not like this. I always, always wanted to do it properly. It’s so funny, because there was never anyone I wanted to marry before you, but I knew even as a kid how I wanted to marry, how I wanted to propose.”

“Enlighten me, then.” Mablung laughed, his head swimming with all the love and affection he felt just now. With that, and the relief that he had not caused a truly awkward situation with his question about Elu proposing.

“You’ll see. But I’ll have a ring then, and I’ll be down on one knee. The rest has to stay in your imagination for a little bit longer.”

“Oh, you’re horrible. Curiosity kills the cat, you know? It might well kill me, too.”

“Awwww,” Elu teased. “Don’t worry, I won’t let that happen. And patience is a virtue, you know?”

Choosing to ignore that last comment, Mablung asked:

“You know what I dream of? Of giving you a call, like ‘Babe, can you pick up some milk on your way home?’ I want to grow old with you, Elu. I want to live through all these normal things with you. Getting our own place, arguing about who used the last toilet paper without refilling it, sitting side by side in our pyjamas on a rainy weekend day, watching the same movies for the millionth time.”

Elu, who had chuckled at the toilet paper, nodded, failing to hide just how moved he was.

“Yeah,” he repeated in a whisper, “Yeah, I’m looking forward to that, too. And… to you calling me ‘babe’, too. I really like that.”

“Well, that, at least, we can do now already,” Mablung whispered back, putting his forehead against Elu’s. “And as we’re now doing all this deep talk, you said you always wanted a family?”

“I did.” Elu replied, almost shyly, as though uncomfortable with admitting just how deep that longing was. “I’ve always wanted kids, before… well.”

“Lathriel offered to carry for me, you know,” Mablung said casually, chortling at Elu’s perplexed expression.

Admittedly, that information would perhaps have wanted for a bit more context.

“She offered it right after I came out to them. Said she never wanted kids of her own, but that she’d be happy to give birth to her niece or nephew, and she renewed that offer each and every year since.“

He had never truly considered his sister’s offer, because he had never really given having children a thought until now. But the idea of actually having Elu’s children was wonderful.

“And it would be the closest we’d get to having our own biological babies,” he added, quite unnecessarily.

“True. I… I admit impregnating your little sister was nothing I ever had on my radar, but… I… I think I really like that idea. Because, as you said, it’s… well, the closest to having our biological children. But now I’ll probably won’t be able to look Lathriel in the eye for some time because this is so awkward.”

“Ah, don’t worry. She’s very pragmatic in that respect. That’s what makes me sure that this arrangement will actually work. It would be quite straightforward, as a matter of fact, she’d just sign off all her parental rights to you after the birth, and I can then later adopt the baby. With all parties agreeing, that strictly speaking doesn’t even need to go before a court. It’s just a lot of paperwork. You being the biological dad, no one can really make a fuss. And that way, Lathriel could be part of her children’s lives, too, only without a responsibility that she doesn’t want.”

“I can’t believe we’re having this conversation just now,” Elu laughed, kissing Mablung on the forehead. “But I love it.”

For a while, neither of them spoke, and as it was now the middle of the night, there were little other sounds, either, apart from cars passing. Mablung glanced outside, just to see how many windows were still lit, and found himself transfixed with the sight.

“Elu, look. It’s snowing.”

Large fluffy flakes were drifting past the window, settling on the windowsill and colouring the night city sky in an orange glow.

“Maybe that’s a sign that the universe agrees with our plans. I desperately wish it could be.” Elu whispered, then coughed again.

Mablung laid his hand on Elu’s brow, and found his suspicions confirmed. The relief that the hot shower had brought him had passed, and the fever returned with all might.

“It’s getting worse again, isn’t it?”

Elu merely shrugged, gazing at Mablung silently, the look on his face unreadable even for Mablung.

“I’m a mess, Mablung,” he said finally, his voice hoarse. “This, all of this, feels like a dream. Fantasising about our life together, talking about marrying and starting a family… this is just something out of someone else’s life. I just… you deserve so much better.”

Inwardly, Mablung sighed, doing all he could to keep himself from rolling his eyes. This was no surprise at all, but rather so very like Elu that he had actually been waiting for it.

“Yes, and I want you. Please stop the not-deserving nonsense already.”

“But… no, Mablung, I won’t stop it already. I love you. I can’t even express how much. I don’t want to live another day of my life without you. But I don’t think you really understand what you are getting into. I’m… I’m not, well, normal.”

Trying desperately not to laugh, because he could tell that it was important to Elu to get this off his chest, Mablung nodded.

“Agreed. But I don’t care about normal. I fell in love with you not because you’re normal, but because you are so thoroughly and unapologetically you. You never tried to be cool, or aimed to be a troublemaker. You were always polite, and… and kind. But you would never knuckle under whenever you felt you were in the right, even if that did get you into trouble. You always remained true to your beliefs.“

“But…”

“No but. You’re not feeling well, that’s why all of this seems like such a big deal. But Elu, not being what society would label as normal is not the same as being broken. Have I made you uncomfortable with my talk about being asexual earlier? Don’t worry about it. If you ever stop caring about sex, that’s totally fine with me. I have hands, I can see to my own needs. It’s ok.

And then of course there’s Elmo, which was the other big ‘but’, wasn’t it? Yes, I know that you are not only his brother, but something like a parent to him. I know that for the rest of your life, you will always have Elmo’s welfare in mind, too. That’s fine, Elu. Remember, I’ve watched Elmo the night you collapsed. I love him, too, and I’m more than prepared to help you shoulder that responsibility whenever you need help. And… what else? Your mum? Elu, there, too, I know what I’m getting into. I’ll even share you with your fairy-queen, if that should ever become a thing. But only with her, yeah?”

Relief flickered on Elu’s face, but only for a moment.

“That… oh, Mablung.”

Mablung smiled, though caution still murmured. Something was off.

“Will you spit it out already, what you wanted to say the entire time? Because I don’t buy that you thought for a moment that any of the stuff I just mentioned would keep me away from you.”

“No, you’re right. I’ve been wanting to tell you for weeks now, but I never knew how, because I know how much you always worry about me, and I don’t want to make you worry even more. But remember the doctor’s appointment your mum made for me? The doctor looked through my charts and strongly advised I see a cardiologist as well, and that I did just before Christmas. Well, it turns out that I have a valve defect, likely from birth. The doctor said it’s not at all uncommon, probably aggravated by my growing so much in puberty and likely not hereditary, so I don’t need to worry about having biological children. But that accounts also for my collapse and the arrhythmia they saw on the ECG and thought was caused by malnutrition. And yeah, I give it to them, my eating habits and the stress likely didn’t exactly help my heart. Don’t look like that, Mablung, please, I promise it’s no big deal, I don’t even need to take any medication at the moment, the doctor is satisfied with just monitoring it. But… this does have the potential to get worse over time. I will most likely be on some sort of medication at some point, and if that doesn’t resolve the issue, I’ll need surgery. And there is always a certain risk of… complications. A very slim risk, but knowing you, I know you’ll google it as soon as I’m asleep anyway and then be petrified, so I’m telling you outright. It won’t happen. I’ll be fine just like the vast majority of people living with that defect.”

Mablung gulped. That he had indeed not expected, and he could not deny that it shook him. The idea that at some point in the future, doctors might need to cut into Elu’s chest was harrowing, terrifying, and the word ‘complications’ even more so. Sure enough, he would do just as Elu said and google. But whatever he would come to read read would most certainly not dissuade him from tying the bond.

“Are… are you okay? Are you scared?”

Elu shook his head.

“No. And really, we might just as well stop being dramatic already. It may be decades ‘till that becomes acute, and who knows what medicine can do until then. And even if it comes to it, it’s a totally routine operation even now. No need to worry. Quite likely, had it not been for all the drama, I’d have grown old with that valve defect without ever being any the wiser.”

Before Mablung could even think of a reply, however, Elu suddenly burst out:

“But that’s the thing, I don’t want to grow old, like not at all. I hate the very idea of it. Like, can you really imagine living for decades more, without pause or rest or… anything? And that’s not even speaking of watching friends and family getting sick or even dying. I’ve had enough of that.”

There were tears in Elu’s eyes now, leaving Mablung at a complete loss for anything to say. He could tell that Elu really was not doing well, but he had no idea what had triggered his sudden outburst, nor how to help him. Absurdly, he found himself longing for a moment ago, when the worst of it was something that could be medically fixed.

“Elu, what… it’s ok. I’m not judging, and you most certainly won’t scare me away, but please help me understand.”

Elu took a deep shuddering breath, turning on his back in a desperate attempt to keep his tears from flowing.

“It’s just… all our talk about our future… or rather, all the talk about future at all, makes me so… so sad, and scared, too. You know, in sixteen years, I’ll be older than Dad was when he died, and living past that age feels like a betrayal, because I get to live, while he can’t. And Mum can’t, either. I don’t want that. I don’t ever want that.”

There was no getting another intelligible word out of Elu, who sobbed bitterly now, while Mablung put his arms around him and cradled him softly. That information was something he could work with, after all.

“You’ve never really mourned, have you? It’s ok. Let it all out. I’m here. I’m here with you and I’m going nowhere. Not tonight, not ever. As long as you want me by your side.“

“I al-always want you b-by my side” Elu sobbed, then coughed again.

“Good. But you’ll have to stay alive for that. At least for the sixteen years, alright? Is that a bargain we can make?”

Elu looked up, surprised. Mablung inwardly congratulated himself on that move, though it was certainly no conventional approach.

“Babe, I’ve known you a day or two. Why do you think I’m so protective around you? I know life often feels too much for you, and I… respect that you yearn for some peace and quiet. And I love you regardless. So do we have an agreement? I have sixteen years to prove to you that life is worth living, and you promise me you’ll do therapy to get to terms with what happened to your parents, preferably one that helps you see what utter nonsense it is to ever think that your dad would have wanted anything for you but a long and happy life, despite the fact that his own was cut short. We will also work out a lifestyle that suits you a little better, one that allows you to rest and recharge whenever you need it. But if all of that does not work for you, if life itself is simply too much, then I will not hold you back. But I’ll hold your hand. Alright?”

“Do you mean that?” Elu whispered breathlessly, his eyes wide with awe.

“I do. It breaks my heart into a million pieces even thinking about it, but the alternative is even worse. I don’t want you to suffer. I don’t want you feeling like your life is a prison that you can’t escape from. But Elu? Not the train. Nothing that means I can’t say goodbye. Promised?”

Elu took Mablung’s hand silently, almost reverently, and pressed his lips to their interlocked fingers.

“Promised.”

They did not talk after that, but Mablung held Elu until his exhaustion had taken him, and drifted off to sleep shortly afterwards himself, his head and heart aching with all the emotions he had gone through that evening- love, joy, excitement and the deepest, most terrible grief.

It was still dark when Mablung next woke up, with a sore throat and a headache that was bad enough to keep him from opening his eyes.

“Hey” said a soft voice beside him, and the next moment he felt Elu’s lips on his temple.

Opening his eyes in spite of the pain, Mablung squinted at his boyfriend, and was quite surprised to see him crouching beside the bed.

“What time is it?” Mablung croaked, only to go into a coughing fit the next moment. Wonderful.

“Ten to six. But I woke up and couldn’t lie flat, so I did the dishes and made us some fresh tea. I’m afraid you’ve got the fever now as well.”

“I’ve noticed.” Mablung grumbled.

“I’m so sorry I gave you this shit.”

Elu sounded honestly apologetic, and Mablung hurried to shake his head, something he instantly regretted.

“Probably would have got it anyway. Are you feeling better, at least?”

As though by way of an answer, Elu coughed once more, and if anything, his chest sounded worse than the night before.

“The headache’s a bit better,” Elu said in a not very convincingly bright voice. “At least if I don’t move my head.”

“Yay. Something to look forward to.”

Not that it meant much. Elu still looked every bit as ill as he had looked yesterday, and if this was indeed the flu—and Mablung was quite sure it was— it would take a week at least before either of them was through with it. No point, in short, in getting his hopes up to feel any better any time soon. He forced himself to get out of bed to use the bathroom and brush his teeth, only to curl up under his blanket afterwards, feeling utterly miserable. He felt so cold. Elu climbed into bed too, curling his body around Mablung’s. He was still just as feverish as yesterday.

“So we just spend the weekend cuddled up in bed?” Mablung asked, kissing Elu’s hand that he had draped over his torso. “We could watch some movies on our iPads. I bet the Wi-Fi’s fine for a change.”

“That sounds nice.”

Elu shifted his body slightly to be able to lie more comfortably, his hair falling over Mablung’s shoulder. It looked very pretty, Mablung mused, their mingled strands spread over the sheets, his own dark brown hair and Elu’s fair one, and he ran his fingers gently over them.

“Let’s not cook, though.” he mumbled, a thought suddenly striking him. “Let’s order some takeout tonight, if we get hungry at all.”

Elu hummed his agreement, then added sleepily:

“And we’ll take our temperature whenever we need something, see who’s lower.”

“Why?”

“Because whoever has the higher fever can stay in bed.”

“Fair enough.” Mablung laughed, regretting it instantly as it made him cough, and moreover send jolts of pain through his head.

He found that he really had nothing to complain about, though, not really. It was quite nice, lying in bed, with Elu’s arms around him from behind, watching series they never had the time to watch otherwise. Being sick really did come with benefits, sometimes. 

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