Did Somebody Order a Silmaril? by annarobots
Fanwork Notes
For the September 2026 SWG Stars Challenge, prompts: Eärendil, Varda.
Details and AO3 tags: Crack, SWG Challenge: Stars (Tolkien), Humor, Porn Parody, Screenplay/Script Format, Pizza Delivery Person Eärendil the Mariner (Tolkien)
- Fanwork Information
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Summary:
Eärendil arrives in Valinor with a special delivery. But in this version, it’s not Eönwë who hails him…
Major Characters: Eärendil, Varda
Major Relationships:
Genre: Crackfic, Humor, Script/Play/Screenplay
Challenges: Stars
Rating: Adult
Warnings: Sexual Content (Mild)
Chapters: 1 Word Count: 504 Posted on Updated on This fanwork is complete.
Did Somebody Order a Silmaril?
Read Did Somebody Order a Silmaril?
SCENE ONE
INTERIOR ILMARIN, the Mansions upon Taniquetil, the Holy Mountain – DAY
VARDA ELENTÁRI sits upon her throne. Her beauty is too great to be declared in the words of Men or Elves; the light of ILÚVATAR seems to live still in her face. A KNOCK is heard. VARDA gets up and answers the door. EÄRENDIL THE MARINER stands outside. You can tell he’s a mariner because he’s dressed in a sailor’s suit. A light is in his face as the light of heaven. His eyes are bluer than the sapphires of the raiment of MANWË (not present). He carries a purse.
EÄRENDIL (ambiguous Gondolindren accent): Anybody home? Sorry, I tried Tirion, but all was empty and silent. My heart was heavy, for I feared that some evil had come even to the Blessed Realm.
VARDA: O, but you must be the looked for that cometh at unawares, the longed for that cometh beyond hope!
EÄRENDIL (removing hat in deference): Sure am, ma’am. Did somebody here order a Silmaril? I’ve got a package for you.
EÄRENDIL opens his PURSE. From it shines the blended LIGHT of the TREES of Valinor, though the TREES have long withered and shine no more.
VARDA gasps. In light is her power and her joy. She has not seen this light since the Shadow of Melkor and Ungoliant covered the Blessed Realm in gloom.
VARDA: Come in, please. Take off your shoes first. They look to be covered in a dust of diamonds.
EÄRENDIL enters the mansion. He looks around, nodding in approval.
EÄRENDIL: Nice place you got here. I can’t stay too long. I cast anchor in the Bay of Eldamar. Do you validate parking?
VARDA: By setting foot upon the immortal shores you risk the wrath of the Valar.
EÄRENDIL: I took upon this peril for the sake of the Two Kindreds.
VARDA: For this were you born into the world. Yet mortal Man may not step living upon the undying lands and yet live.
EÄRENDIL: I’m not only a mortal Man. I am also of the Elven-house of Finwë.
VARDA: Equally the Noldor, who went willfully into exile, may not return hither.
EÄRENDIL: Aw, man. I was afraid of this. I’m sure we can work something out, ma’am. I can offer you the jewel.
EÄRENDIL holds out the SILMARIL to VARDA. His HANDS are not scorched nor withered.
VARDA (impressed): You would offer this to me? I, who kindled the stars?
EÄRENDIL (stunned): Gilthoniel! O Elbereth!
EÄRENDIL falls to his knees before VARDA.
VARDA: I will not take the jewel from you, bearer of light before the Sun and Moon. But while you’re down there...
VARDA disrobes. EÄRENDIL performs oral sex, which VARDA then reciprocates. Then they engage in VAGINAL PENETRATION throughout the Mansions upon Taniquetil, Oiolossë Everlasting Whiteness, and Elerrína Crowned with Stars, and many other names beside.
Chapter End Notes
Thank you to Irnina for the idea to make this fic a screenplay! And thanks to IdleLeaves and dragonbornsandwaffles for reading the story and offering feedback.
You can find me on Tumblr as AnnaRobots. If you enjoyed the story, please consider reblogging my Tumblr promo post and dropping a kudos or comment. Thank you for reading!
