Comments on Mahtan's Apprentice

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Oh. How did you know I often use the pen name "wind rider" in most places? I think the Yahoo Group does not display that? :uncertain: Anyway...

 

The piece was nice. I wish you had connected Feanaro's statement with the paragraph in which he routed in the box, though. *shrug* That looked less more coherent.

 

LOL You said first that his eyes were grey, then you described (near the end) that the eyes were deep sapphire... I thought you might want to know this. The piece was otherwise very neat and enjoyable, though, and I found myself wanting for more! *grin* It showed great promise, and now that I am the reader, I found the feeling reaffirmed. Hopefully you will update soon. Love Feanaro and Mahtan. Wish you put more of Nerdanel here...

 

 

- Rey



 

Thanks! I did some research on Google, then double-checked. 

I didn't connect Feanaro's "Let me see the jewels" with rooting in the box because that action took place while Nerdanel was speaking. He said "Let me see the jewels," then Nerdanel spoke while he walked over and began to poke about in there. I did it that way for fluidity. People don't tend to stop what they're doing to listen to other people speaking when they're not interested in what they have to say, or the conversation is not addressed to them. People who are very familiar with each other tend to do that. Strangers or those who tend to be more formal with each other would wait for the speaking to stop before acting. The point is, Feanoaro is accustomed to behaving like that and getting away with it. He hasn't been properly socialized, due to the fact that he detests his half-brothers and his father indulges him, so he's like that all the time.

Virtuella told me to trust the readers to make those connections for themselves, so I didn't explain this.

Thanks for the nitpick - that's the kind of thing I need you for!

(Heheh. It is me again...)

 

*squirm* Umh... Glad that someone does not view my nitpickiness as a bother... at least not much. LOL

 

*cough* All right. Back to my intention of replying here... To me, when reading, it appeared as though Feanaro did that after Nerdanel spoke. You should have added "Meanwhile" before "With..." then, if that is what you intended to do. So the readers would be well informed of what was happening but not in an overwhelming way. Virtuella's right, but readers can't draw conclutions without sufficient evidence too.

 

- Rey

 

PS: Huh. I hope I have not been too harsh, insistant or generally annoying... :uncertain:

 



 

It's cool, you're not. I'm very tolerant of reviewers who point out stuff they don't like, however it comes across.

Tell you what, I'll leave it and see what the others say - not to disrespect you, but to find out if it really is a problem. If one more person says it, I'll make the change. It's just that, to me, it doesn't matter that much either way.

Oh, I like your Feanaro!  He seems very believabe: smarter than everybody else and knows it, and doesn't expect anyone will ever question it.  I wonder if Mahtan will ever get him to accept that Mahtan is a master craftsman and knows better than he does.  For both of their sakes, I hope so.  This is a wonderful beginning.  After reading the discussion on the Yahoo group, I'm excited to see where it goes next.

 

Thanks, Wolfwind. I got a lot of help with this, and I'm going to apply all the best and most relevant bits to bring this dude to life and make him believable. My big question is, if he's really so obnoxious, why do people follow him? What sort of person can behave like that and get the support Feanaro got? I will use the text of this story to answer them. One thing's for certain - I'm going to learn a heck of a lot in the process thereof!

Thanks, Araloth. I'll have Feanaro bashing Indis, then another side of the story comes out... he's manipulative, but there's something underneath it all that drives his behaviour. There's nothing cut and dried about him, that's for sure. Thanks for the review. :D